The Battle in My Brain
Poem About Finding Answers
My head is spinning
Get a grip
I can't keep letting it
Go on like this
There's gotta be answers
There's gotta be something more
Then this crazy roller coaster ride
Of all these emotions
My life is going crazy
Spiraling down
But why when I got
My two feet on the ground
I got family
I got love
I even have a roof
Over my head
I have food in my belly
And clothes on my body
Theres got to be more
Then this world I made up in my head
Whats that, a flash
From the corner of my eye
I'm going crazy
Because I'm constantly on edge
This never ending nightmare
Inside my brain
Is something that would make
Any man insane
The stupid things I do
Regardless of what I want
The constant need
To keep my self shut off
The yelling the screaming
The never being calm
Make my kids wonder
"Why do you hate me mom?"
Its not that I hate you
I love you with everything I am
You saved me
From who I once was
Theres something wrong inside me
I feel like I'm going mad
I want you to understand
That I'm trying the best I can
Even I don't understand this
It's driving me insane
So another thought of suicide
Runs through my brain
'But why. But why'
I say to myself
'You got everything and more
Going for yourself'
'You got a few friends
Who always stuck beside you
And a family
Who hurts to see you like this
So I book an appointment
I need to get some help
So I don't give in
To my very evil self
The doctor wants me
To take these meds
But these antidepressants
Don't keep me from mind
I explain my situation
I tell her I need help
So she says to me
"They will help you now"
I wait for the appointment
I just know that I am crazy
The thoughts inside my head say
'You don't need that lady'
It's time for my appointment
The day just starts off bad
The voice inside my head
Tells me to reconsider
I nearly miss my daughter's bus
And then I miss my own
'Just give up right here
You know you cant go on'
My fiancé shows up
Asks me whats going on
I say "I can't do this anymore"
He tells me to be strong
He sits with me and waits
'Maybe this won't be so bad'
The next bus has finally arrived
He tells me not to be so sad
I start shaking
As I walk up to that bus
I start thinking about
How crazy I'm going to sound
The bus starts moving
My nerves are all on edge
I search for something familiar
To make my nerves calm down
Head phones in
Deep sigh
Drown out the world
With my favorite songs
Finally get to bus depot
I hesitantly get on to bus number ONE
This is it now my fate is sealed
'Nothing else could go wrong'
I nervously go through
All I'm going to say
'What if she thinks I'm crazy'
Too late for that now
I get off at the hospital
And watch the bus go by
I take a deep breath in
And go on my way
I enter the big building
I don't know my way
I break my comfort
And ask "where's the elevator"
She points to where it is
I end up feeling dumb
Had I just looked up
I would have saw the sign
I make my way up
As my anxiety gets worse
I check in and everyone's in my face
Thing are going so fast paced
I fill out some of the paperwork
I get drug from room to room
I just want to sit
I don't know what to do
I fill out two more pages
And now it's time to see
The therapist they had reccommended
To help me with myself
I spill myself so easily
I wanna get better
I constantly feel
Like I should just leave
She asks me all these questions
I hesitate with some answers
I figured this would be over fast
But it lasted for two hours
The answer now stares back at me
The thing I've been wondering for years
Turns out I was right
Which brings me to tears
Everything makes sense now
As she writes me a prescription
The reason nothing helps me
Is starring back at me
Turns out I'm bipolar
Which my counselor suspected
I also have something called
Borderline personality disorder
I finally have my answer
Why I do the things you do
It's from the trauma I have gone through
It's fixed with one little pill
If the answer is this simple
Why do I feel this way
All I want to do
Is just run away
I stare blankly
As she explains what this all means
I play with the wrapper
From my candy I had eaten
She writes me a prescription
And explains the negative effects
My head starts thinking
About these pills making me dead
"Take one a day
And you can't miss any
Or it could end horribly
After 14 days take twice as many"
I snap back to reality
And nod as she talks
'It can't be this simple'
My head is spinning all around
"At your next appointment
We can speed up the doses
Let's see where things go from here
And go back to seeing your counselor"
"If you don't take these as directed
You may end up getting burns
If you don't take these daily
You will need to start over"
I finally have my answer
My scapegoat if you will
Why I do some things I do
Can it really be fixed with a little pill
The more and more I ponder
The crazier I feel
I'm more angry now
As I learn how to deal
All these things in my head
All are so real
If only people would understand
How I really feel
Things are so much harder
As I learn how to cope
I sleep more than ever
As I'm fighting inside my head
I act like I'm doing ok
But deep inside I'm hurting
At least that's what she said
I just don't want to be a burden
My whole life is different now
I need you to understand
Im still who I always am
I just needed a helping hand
About the Creator
Janetta Poitra
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