Jen Moutinho
Bio
Single Mom. Recently divorced. Just trying to survive every day life. Struggles with Mental Illness and trying to navigate life
Stories (7/0)
Emotional Rollercoaster
Just when things are going good they fall again. I thought I had my head on straight but I didn’t. Never would I think I would be pregnant for the third time. There is no way in hell, because my second was so painful and miserable, but here I am. I was married before, and then it was a lot more simpler. This dad is a dead beat drug addict. He lives with his roommate who has a horrible gambling problem, and can never pay his bills. The “dad” is also a huge gambler and works and tries to pay the bills but still gambles too much. When I told my mom I was pregnant again, the whole world fell apart. She basically told me to choose the family or the new baby. I was a disgrace because of being pregnant. My mom wanted me to have an abortion. Not only wanted, but literally trying to force me into having one. She threatened the custody of my kids, my life, and had told me that I would better off be dead. Pregnancy isn’t the end of the world, but to her it was. She seemed more concerned about herself, and what her friends would think. I was already the black sheep of the family. She would send me messages constantly about having an abortion, and saying my ex husband would want to take full custody of the kids. She called on my siblings to harass me to have an abortion, and tell me it was the right thing to do. I mean, after all the father wasn’t in a good place and didn’t want anything to do with the kid anyway. I was emotional for weeks about the decision I had to make. My mom thought she could have control over me and make the decision for me. During this period, I lost my person and best friend. Someone who was always honest, and someone who opened my eyes and taught me so much. I was kind of devastated but kind of relieved. Maybe we needed a break from everything and each other. It made me stronger and more goal oriented for myself rather than trying to help and fix everyone else.
By Jen Moutinho8 months ago in Chapters
Beyond The Clouds
The thoughts just keep racing through my head. I find myself in a deep daydream, and my mind is up in the air. The sky is bright, and the clouds are glowing from the sun. I can feel the heat against the window during midflight. The man next to me, is sitting reading the newspaper, and sipping on his coffee. I can smell the smoke off his coat, from him probably walking through a cloud of cigar smoke. I am staring out the window, just looking out into the clouds, contemplating everything that has ever happened in my life. There is still 3 hours left in the air til we land, and I'm sitting here wondering why everything that has happened in my life happened. This flight is not just to my travel destination, but a flight inside my head. As I gaze out the window, I'm looking and wondering how a cloud becomes a cloud, and how the sky is so blue today. Wondering why I do the things I do, and why I cannot stop the feelings? The flight was long, and all I could do was think. Why do I feel like I am always not enough for people? Am I worthy of love? Am I worth anything? Am I really just a useless person? A waste of space and air? This wasn't just any ordinary flight, it was a flight and a fight with my mind.
By Jen Moutinhoabout a year ago in Journal
Dear Janelle:
Dear Janelle, I'm beginning to wonder about life, and everything. Like what is the purpose of it? Why do I constantly feel like I'm battling my brain every single day. Why am I overthinking? I don't even know anymore. I'm having a hard time falling in love. After being in a relationship for over 10 years, and married for 3 years of it, I feel like I lost hope in feeling love again. My heart was torn, and broken over and over again. The constant emotional and mental abuse with his temper which he still denies til this day. I might be afraid of falling for someone again, or maybe I'm just not ready to be in love. I constantly feel emotional, and upset. I feel like I shouldn't ever get attached. You were the only one that stayed when things got bad, and didn't run away. I appreciate that. But i'm constantly questioning everything that happens in life. This probably makes absolutely no sense what so ever, I'm just trying to get my feelings down onto paper and maybe I can figure out what I am actually thinking. Sometimes I question myself, and wonder if I'm good enough to be your friend. Sometimes I question myself and wonder if I am just a selfish person. I'm tired of constantly being told that I will never amount to anything, and that my "Mental Illness" will forever prevent me from being a normal person. What is a normal person? I didn't ask for a mental illness, I didn't ask for depression, I didn't ask for Body Image problems, and everything in between. What I am asking for is a proper diagnosis, not just what family just say what I have and assume thats that. I feel like I am trapped in this life, and have to let others control my feelings, and control the way I react. Why Am I so scared to tell someone when I am really upset with them? Why can't I just not feel at all?
By Jen Moutinhoabout a year ago in Confessions
