It Scares Me

There are good things happening.

Lately, life has been treating me well

By giving me you.

I’m not sure though, how

My truth

Will sit in your mind.

It scares me that you won’t know

How to react when I finally,

Finally tell you

What my flashbacks are really about.

It scares me that you won’t understand

Why I froze in that moment

Instead of fighting back.

It scares me that I’m wrong

About you too,

As I was about the guys that did

These awful things to me–

Manipulated me,

Cheated on me,

Took advantage of me...

It scares me more though

That maybe I’m right.

Because somehow, even when I’m right,

I fuck it all up.

Or at least I’m left

Feeling like the fault

Is all mine.

Part of me hopes

That I’m right this time,

But after I’m right,

I want to be wrong.

I want to be wrong in saying that

I fuck it up

Or anything fucks it up.

But I want to be right

In letting myself feel this way for you,

In acting on the zoo you give me in my stomach,

In spending my time with you.

It scares me that I,

Nor anyone else, really

Really knows

What the future holds.

I’ll never know whether or not

I’m right or wrong

Until the truth comes to light

In the present.

It scares me.