I Want to Be Me

A Poem

I’m not trying to be perfect...those aren’t what my aspirations are

I want to be me without any changes

Sensitive, boring, and happy at times

I’m not clay. You cannot mold me into what you want me to be

Everything you told me has been a lie and hidden under that weapon you call a tongue

These are the encouraging words I imagined

I was never the brightest, the prettiest, the funniest...I was just me

I’m still trying to find the strength in me somewhere hidden deep in me

I don’t want to veer off into the deep end and drown but that’s what has happened

I feel alienated..like I’m there but I’m not.

I’m fat, unattractive, mean, confused, and weird beyond expectations

I am misunderstood. Looked beyond. And lonely.

But I try to be in the know, it doesn’t last very long and I slowly creep back into my shell

You say I am dumb, stupid, worthless, lazy, and unsociable

No wonder you call me weird and look at me as though I didn’t come from your flesh and blood

I never grew up like you and yet you want me to be like you

I am not a fighter I am peace and love. I don’t threaten I care. I don’t laugh I listen. I’m a lover.

I was never taken from my home, suffered a traumatizing experience, or seek the attention

I try to understand you but it gets worse and worse the closer I get...

I will never be as strong as you but I can be the best me I can be

I can never be better than you but I can be better than who I was yesterday and the day before that

I’m not a smart ass I am just an ass. I choose when not to have a filter

You never apologize and always want to overpower others

It makes you look ugly inside when you're cocky, obnoxious, and dominant

You don’t give great advice all the time

I wanted you to be my best friend but now all you can be is my blood and I shall treat you as such

I will shut down and not open up

I am not an open book I never will be

I can only be me that is all

And you can only be my mother. Just a mother