I Think... I Did That

I'm 54 years old.

Three kids, ages 15, 16, and 18.

They are mean to me.

They are entitled.

I think... I did that.

I am laying in bed thinking about the upcoming weekend.

This weekend I'm going to pick up my 16 year old from the summer camp. A camp that cost $6,000 for three weeks. I feel angry at her for asking to go to this camp. I feel frustrated that I said, "Yes." I feel angry at myself for feeling angry at her. I should have said, "No."

I'm going to pick her up, and she's going to start asking for things... no. Not asking... she's going to start telling that she "needs" things.

I already feel the powerful emotions... it's like she's saying, "Give me that," and I am saying, "No! You can't have that."

I feel selfish for wanting to keep things.

I want to have things... that small tiny voice in my head says, "What about me?"

And it's like she keeps sucking things out of my life and into hers, but it's never enough. She is literally a vortex sucking everyone and everything around her into the black hole of "her needs." Then, in a five second moment of clarity, she'll be the kind, generous, thoughtful person I know she can be... and be upset when no one responds because we are all hiding from the vortex.

I think... I did that.

I think... I nurtured that.

We are a lot alike. At least, I was like her when I was young. Right now... all I do is give.

Right now, I feel like a failure.

I feel scarcity.

I feel anxiety.

I feel fear.

I think... I did that.

How do I let her know, that I need things, too? She's only 16. I'm supposed to provide.

How do I tell her, "Stop asking for things. Start appreciating what you have and start figuring out how to make those things work?"

Yes, of course, I actually say those words... but she's a 16-year-old vortex.

My 18 year old is going to college this year. COLLEGE, that's great!

She won't talk to me about it. I drove her from Georgia to Maine to visit art schools, and every time we talk about school she says, "You get me so mad when you talk to me about school."

I literally filled out the college application for her so it would get in before the deadline. I know she's excited to go (because I see her social media posts), but... every time I ask her about it, she gets mad.

Every time I ask how the job search is going, she says, "You get me so stressed out when you ask me about a job."

I feel like they treat me like shit.

I wonder if that's because I taught them to treat me like shit?

I suppose... I did that too.

I feel like their servant, and my only purpose in life is to be there when they want something and to provide it.

My 16 and 18 year old... tell me they are depressed.

So, I started taking them to counseling, to therapy. Now they see a Dr. and they're both medicated for depression.

I think... I did that.

.....breathe....

My 15 year old tells me she thinks she never had a childhood... sigh...

I am only one person.

I am doing the best that I can do.

I am exhausted.

I am 54 years old.

I daydream of a day when they will all be living on their own... working... thriving... enjoying life... in spite of, or because of, how they were raised.

I daydream of a day when I will wake up to an empty house. Just me. (And maybe my dog.) I imagine waking up in the morning and walking into a clean kitchen and making a pot of coffee. I look forward to silently sipping my coffee as I watch the dog play in the early morning, dew-covered lawn.

I toy with the idea of dating... but then think I don't ever want any one else in my life again, pulling at me, draining my time, freedom, energy, and money.

I daydream of a day when everything I do and think about revolves around... me.

For now.

I think... I will keep doing what I'm doing.

I don't know any better.