But Still

It didn't occur to me

That you would have had a name

Not until she came in,

Yellow folder in hand,

Offering support

I don't remember her name,

That social worker

Or the name of the doctor

Or of the nurse

(Daphne, Daria, Delora?)

I was tired, drained

Disappointed, frustrated,

Angry, ashamed,

And sad

So desperately sad

Did I let you down?

Yes

Maybe my diet should've been better

More exercise?

Did I heft your sister around too much?

Did I let you down?

No

Nothing could be done

Sometimes these things just happen

Maybe you just weren't strong enough

And now I'm thinking about the what would have beens

Your name, your smile

Boy or girl

Would your sister be happy, jealous

Both?

Do I name you now?

They say it helps you cope.

I feel guilty because I don't want to waste a name

Is it a waste?

I'm awful.

Terrible.

What kind of a mom doesn't name her child?

Thinks it's a waste?

I'm still coping

Figuring it out

I thought I was good

But then thinking of your name,

Now I'm not.

I can't name you.

Not today.

Maybe not ever.

Because I was supposed to have time

Time to get to know you

Time to think

To find the perfect fit

But we didn't get the time

A few short weeks together

Now it's just me

I felt you leave

And that feeling will stick in my head forever

I'll deal.

I'll cope.

I'll try to soldier on.

And maybe one day, we'll meet again

And you'll tell me your name

And it will be better than any I could give

Until then, I'll miss you

I can't name you

But still

You were my baby

Wanted, loved

And I hope you'll forgive my failings

And still call me mom.