Apology Letter to God

An apology letter to god,

or who ever the fuck is listening to me at this point

I once made a joke to myself that I have been trying to kill myself since birth

the umbilical cord wrapped twice around my neck

the noose not quite tight enough to do the trick

I am sorry

I did not know the life you gave me had any meaning

but I stayed

only to try again when I was 18

the kitchen knife slid across my wrist with ease as I screamed at you,

or who ever the fuck was listening at that point

I am sorry

when I cursed at everything I knew about you

in the words of my mother

I grew selfish

thinking this world would be better without me

I am 19

and all I can say is

I'm sorry

because like the human I am I'm willing to beg for forgiveness when I need something

and god dammit I need something

because I kept trying to take the life you gave me

and now that I want it you throw in a bonus

because you've always been good with irony

but when I start to feel the cramping,

I feel like you'll piggy back on the payback train and take the life inside me to teach me a lesson

and this thing scares me

but makes me love a clump of cells me and the boy you sent to love me put together

so I'm sorry,

I'm sorry,

I'm sorry,

but please let me show you the love I have for life with this thing growing inside me

with the words I spill on every stage saying

I made It,

with the laugh they'll have,

and through the eyes of a kid,

of my kid

with both parents' brown eyes they'll know how to live and see what it means to have life

so I apologize

for every bridge I crossed and thought I might jump,

every pill I thought to swallow,

every blade that dare cut my wrist,

I apologize to God,

Jesus,

Buddha,

Allah,

Krishna,

and who ever the fuck is listening to me at this point

you don't know what it means to love a life until it's not yours

in the words of my sister,

people are assholes.

In the words of my mother,

we grew selfish.

I've laid on the floor and cursed every god I could think of

while I bled the life I cared nothing of and now I'm willing to lay everything of myself on a stage

to beg for forgiveness

and let me love the life of the child you threw in ironically when I finally learned to love myself

I'm not saying I can remove the scars and memories

but I can cover them and make new ones

so please,

don't take the life of my little one

because I thought mine meant so little

this is my apology letter to god,

or who ever the fuck is listening at this point.

I hope you listen to prayers more often then you do mistakes

in the words of a regretful girl

who now knows what her life means.