All I See Is Fear and Shame

Seems simple enough to me

Yet hard enough for her.

The fear and shame she shows just kills

She calls it love yet she shows it not

Unless alone, away from the world.

Why must we hide what we have?

The pain of it grows

Though only a few days to fester

Though only just released,

The built up waters are plenty.

Though only now being shown,

The love remains great.

She loves me, more everyday

Yet all I see is fear and shame.

In a quiet room alone

The love shines through all.

Those eyes, big and brown,

Smiling up to me and giving hope.

Those lips, salt and perfect,

Coaxing and loving, giving me life.

That voice, ever there,

No matter what is said, there is love and comfort.

Such love is so new.

Yet she has mastered it, though the truth of it new to her.

With her I sleep,

With her I am comforted.

Without I am afraid,

I long for her gentle touch and words.

They comfort even the smallest of ailments.

They work wonders and never cease to amaze.

Yet it is what is not said that both raises up

And knocks down.

It almost didn't happen, almost wasn't a thing.

The fear and shame almost won the first round.

Almost.

Through it all, the fear and shame,

Somehow she saw me through such darkness.

The real me, the me I wish and fear people will see.

The me that fights herself.

The me that gets scared more often than not.

The me that fears the world and all on it.

The me who has seen more than imaginable.

But

Also the me who fights for love.

Also the me who powers through fear,

Through the world.

Also the me who can help and feel for all, if allowed.

And she allowed the me to win.

She allowed the water to flow

And the dam to break

She allowed it all.

All emotion, held back for so long

All love and happiness

But

All fear and shame

And the latter was, are bountiful.

Fear of those above us.

Fear of those who judge

Fear of those who show negative emotion

I fear it is emotion over all that is feared.

Yet the fear I understand.

I feel it too

But not for her reasons

She fears them, I fear her fear.

I fear she shall leave me

Because a few words

From a parent, a "friend", a peer.

Because a look

A glare, a glance, a stare.

Because a feeling

A worry, a shame, a fear.

A fear

The fear

The shame I don't know

Will not know.

I do not feel shame or regret

Under fear

I feel happy.

Happy and jubilant and loving.

She denies and yet I see her reactions

Feel her hesitate.

Then we're alone and it washed away.

The love cleansing all

Yet can love cleanse

The fear and shame?