Zero

Could we just start from zero and add the ones until we equal something better than the sum we left on the table…

Tables crashing flatware across the floor, scattered metallic sounds bouncing against the walls of my mind….

That is not where I wanted to leave it,

leave you…

But can’t you see?...

We have become the villains in each others story,

Because neither died the hero…

It didn’t have to be that way

It does not have to be this way still…

Because life is not a wish granting factory,

But then again fate does not exist either,

We can forge our own path,

Because in the end, all that is left is self and choice…

What if I chose you…

What if I choose to bare my soul, to listen with open mind and boundless heart???

To lay down my armour and mend my scarred flesh,

Opening the door to let you pass…

Would it be enough???

Could you find your way through the trauma to the me that I have come to know?

Or would you run, casting away my heart…

Turn about and live in this….

Silence….

Dim grey world of half forgotten life,

Where pain seeps through porcelain cracks of normalcy to bring even starker days…

I think I have the answer…

Even though I wish I didn’t...

The line spinning in my head,

Remember, remember, the fifth of december!!!

The last time I read your words,

I knew on that day you were gone….

That knowledge broke me…

Even though I hoped it was not true…

I hoped..

But then I became ill…

Not the kind of sick where you are better in a week,

But the kind where they have to fill your veins with artificial life to make the misery stop…

My answer was laid bare….

I was not wanted…

Was not loved…

I was not cared for in any regard…

Because I had become the villain…

Though I truly believe that's what you wanted to see in me…

I could not stay where I was not wanted,

Feeling my heart break into piece after piece…

So I left…

What else could I do???

But did you know that you can love in silence?

That love and hate are the same emotion, just different sides of the same feeling?

Because I didn’t…

Until I had to deal with losing my home…

My safety…

My... soul…

I have always believed there are answers in the quiet realms that float between the worlds of human minds…

The demons we fear to face gnashing their teeth in the skittering dark, just beyond our self awareness…

Because honesty and truth are the great equalizers of this existence, and what I have found is…

It really does feel like its still there,

If the limb is severed and tossed aside,

You can still feel the ache and throb of what could have been…

Should have been….

If only you were strong enough…

If only we could have listened…

Time does not heal all wounds,

Nor does nostalgia fade the edges of memories made in the blush of love.

True love…

Because it hasn’t faded,

Hasn’t stopped…

Hasn’t stopped me from searching for you in every crowded room…

That face…

Those eyes…

That tone…

That girl…

The one that got away…

But with her she took the better parts of me….

Left floating in a pool of life regrets she carries…

Just another boy that did her wrong,

That couldn’t live up to her expectations she set forth in her life…

I am her disappointment…

I feel that in my bones every day…

If only we could start from zero

Subtract the guilt

And add the growth

Could we be more than the sum we let it be…