Young Love

You know what sucks

Every time I see a photo of you I can't resist the thought of remembering all the reasons why I fell in love with you.

Every time I hear your voice

The craving for your sound comes back all the time

My ears ache because they're thirsty for your melody.

I felt your presence again after four to five months I still cannot control myself as if you don't give me the jitters.

Your eyes intertwine with my soul and I feel you touch me with your stare and I can't help it but quickly grab your hand but your hand will never feel the way it feels when you touch my soul with your stare.

Your presence was my addiction

An addiction that took me a long time to get rid of

You're an old habit that I still enjoy doing

They tell me let go, don't let her close enough to hurt you again

But what do you do when the person that you once loved comes back and fires up a fire that took you so long to put out?

What do you do when the person you once stopped thinking about becomes the only thing you can possibly think of again

What do you do when you know you can't put yourself through that pain anymore

Because it hurts more than it did the first time and you feel stupid for giving it another try because every single time you end up back to where you started

Alone

Heartbroken

Vulnerable

You know the outcome of it all the time but you still wanna do it because you have a tiny ounce of hope but that hope gets as shallow and narrow every time you leave

You can't reopen a wound constantly because there's a scar and every time I reopen it I make the wound deeper, much deeper than before and it gets much harder to heal but I do it anyway

And once the "medicine" is gone

I have to figure out a way to heal it back up again by myself

I have to find a way to numb the pain because my heart is left to die as if I'm not a human being with a beating organ inside of me

As if I don't have feelings, too

As if I don't have a heart and a soul that feels as much emotions that you do

As if I wasn't once a kid that would only cry over a little fall

But now I cry because I fell into something that I continuously fall for, but you just can't get up and shake off

Maybe that's the problem

Falling in love

Love

Ha

LOVE

You see how lovely that word sounds yet it can cause a lot of damage

But I, Ashley, look past that because love doesn't hurt

Because when I looked into your eyes I knew you loved me but I still couldn't figure out how can you love someone so much yet leave them so effortlessly

I am a flower, a rose yet no one has ever had interest in keeping me

I am an angel

But why break my wings?

When all I wanted was for you to fly with me

I was a queen who just wanted another queen to sit next to me

Why kick me out of our HOME?!

Why diminish me?!

I am a human with so much affection and feelings

Yet I'm always rejected, sometimes used, whenever it's needed

Yet when I need more fuel, where's my pump at?

Do you finally understand

Or have I not stressed this enough

That I am in love with something and someone that just wakes up randomly one morning and feel completely differently the following day.

Yet my feelings are much strongly alive

And they've never gone away or even decreased from when I first saw you until now

Maybe that's the problem

I love with my heart worn on my sleeve

When the other person gives me a taste of heaven

Yet cannot give me the full thing and if they try, they just take it away

Due to what?

Fear of loving ?

Or just fear of living?

Fear of living with someone that you might potentially love for the rest of your life?

Or because no matter what,

What's said is said and what's done is done

Doesn't change the fact that you did what you did, I did what I did

Nothing will ever justify it, both were wrong

So now I love freely

By that, I mean I love but without no promises

Because promises are often broken and left to die

When to me they shall forever live

But you can't give life to something that's dead

I've always been a hopeless romantic

Maybe that's why I find it so hard to find genuine love

I just want someone to come home to

I want a friend that I know I will take a bullet for

But once I have my own children I know in that exact moment

If we're ever under attack or in danger

I will use you as a human shield to protect all of our children

I want a love that I know I can leave home for 20 hours because of work and just come right back to my family and I know nothing will change

I crave a love that nowadays is neither found or given

But I will not change my morals and norms

Because I have hope

But I also am a hopeless romantic

That still loves as if they've never once been broken.

Yet that's all I've consisted of

Because I was a broken pottery

But I put myself together I glued all those pieces

And put myself together

So ask me about love

Because I can describe how love feels

Ask me about heart break I'll probably write you a book

But let's talk about love

Because I loved you

I can describe it because I felt it in my bones. I felt it in my skin

I felt it when you called me Ashley

Because my name has never sounded so beautiful until you said it

I can go on and on about the love I have for you and describe to you word by word

But the only question here is will you listen or would you just fast play and not enjoy and see the beauty that's hidden within it

I indulge myself into things that are meaningful and I dwell in beauty

But I cannot dwell in something that's beautiful yet closes the door every once in a while

This is 1/10 of everything I want to say to you.