Words That Trigger

I am still learning a lot about myself

The years have not done me too well

Some days I fly

Other days I crawl

If only you could get a word out of these walls

Boy would they have tons to say!

You would know my insecurities right away

Or discover how I question my own questions day to day

I smile most of the time to hide the pain

That’s my art; I like to paint

In the past I tried my very best to be a good wife

Forcing myself not to stay up late nights

Reassuring he’ll be home soon

Still I would sit outside and join the moon

I gave my all to a man who did not care

Simply selfish and unfair

I paid a price that could not be seen

I would just feel it within me

He broke the one thing I use the most

I became everything I did not want

Giving him love just was not enough

The love grew thin as he stretched it out

Nothing lasts forever, left my mouth

I could not exchange vows with a man who did not see his wrongs

So, it was time to say so long

As I continued my journey to live a good life

I no longer cared to become someone’s wife

Five years of cheating, lying, and crying

Then came a real man who showed me something

This man turned me out

He silenced all my questions and doubts

Treated me well and made me feel like this family deal could be for real

We were almost there, or so we thought

Excitement became confusion when I found out nothing was cooking in the pot

I was in that bed playing scenarios in my head

Of how things would be if I would have remained silent instead

I knew what was coming but he told me to fear nothing

And as the season grew cold

That love turned old

That was bold with all the truths that remained untold

Or possibly it could be that he could see the snow had me eloped

How his love was not enough to stop me from playing with my nose

Okay why lie it was dope

I was weak and could not admit it to him or myself

You know it’s always easy to point the finger at someone else

He couldn’t face me with the truth

And I stayed hitting him with lies

All he wanted was for me to be good, but I denied sniffing lines

Feelings changed as did the colors of the leafs

And just as they so silently fell from the trees

My heart did too, however I do not blame you

I never allowed healing from my past

Then these caged emotions crept

I was so enraged

How can we talk about getting married and engaged in this new age

Where everything seems to always fade and die away

A good wife? Ha!

That’s the last straw here

Never will I ever allow another man to get near

My anger did not allow me to see things clear

Then came a new year

It was a new year indeed

Smoking weed and dragging my feet

Only leaving my room to feed the kids and meet some needs

I was not doing well once the temporary shell took off on its own to make a home with someone else

My heart broke more

Why was I not enough again? I asked

I should have waited and let time pass

I did not want to feel but unfortunately that’s how we heal

Still wanting a fast way out from my own brokenness

I created an even bigger mess

I started going out more and wearing less

I must admit I was impressed

With how finely my ego began to dress

Old friends came around, new friends got turned down

Until there was another change in the season

It’s a new leaf turning

I forgot I was hurting with all these men who made me feel top notch

I thought I had the world at the palm of my hand

Dancing night and day away

Not realizing I had a lot at stake

For goodness sake I became a trend

And as we all know eventually those too have an end

But wait, is this fate?

Could it be?

A visit with the past that didn’t last but made me reminisce on all the what if’s and could haves

So, I went back to a man I met as a boy

It brought his mother a great deal of joy

I was what kept him off these streets, but what happens when a dogs got to eat?

He would leave and next thing you know there was already a seed that had been conceived

Where did this alter me?

From the neck down, it showed

From the neck up, I glowed

His first born, my first son

Yet, it wasn’t enough to keep us as one.

A good wife? Ha! Please!

I’ve given enough of me and you think you deserve a chance because you plead?!

It couldn’t be. I had to do what was best

Although at times being away felt like ripping my heart out of my chest

I must confess I had to check myself a couple of times and remind myself why I had to leave him behind

Two happy homes better than one broken one

It hurts me the most to know my daughters didn’t experience what’s considerably “norm”

And if they did it was just for a short term

The saddest part is that it wasn’t even with their father that the best memories were made

But if not with the one karma hit me with and took away

I’m not trying to sound bitter because he was great

I knew I wanted a husband and not someone to just date to date

But that all withered away expectations now seem pretty low

In reality though, I’m just trying to guard my own

I have hope, I believe in love, truly I do

I just know sometimes it’s not enough once they see the messy in you