Without You

There are so many paragraphs that I've written but never sent in the past month..

So many times I almost called but never did..

There is so much that I've wanted to tell you but thought it best if I just stay silent..

Things have been so different without you

And honestly..

I try to find the littlest reasons to talk to you

To hold on to at least a sliver of what we had..

You turned my world upside down

and without you it's like.. like my world's holding on by a thread

The sky is no longer a wonder to me

Now it's just a flood of memories and a love that seems far from my reach, even farther than the stars..

I purposefully avoid our secret place when I'm out

Because each time I pass it I'm taken back to us and the way I felt those nights and how I still feel

It's all different without you

I now fall asleep listening to playlists of you rather than on the phone with you

And that's the nights if I do sleep or at least sleep well

My night schedule is beyond different

I'll be up till 5 AM thinking, crying, wishing that this was all different

I'll sometimes watch the sunrise and think of the time you told me you love the color orange, even though your favorite color is green

I still wear your hoodie, even though I know I probably shouldn't

I still have the orchids and the two necklaces you gave me and I still have the camera

But everything is different without you

Every video

Every gift

Every photo I look back at

Now floods memories of what I had

My "I love you's" turned into "I still love you"

My "I want you" to "I wish I still had you"

My "I need you" to "It is so hard living without you"

I'm told that given time my feelings will change and the hurting will stop

In all honesty, I don't think it will...

I don't think I'm ever gonna stop loving you

Cause here I am.. still deeply in love with you

Being without you turned "the best thing to happen to me" into "the best thing happened to me"

you're no longer what I have,

But what I had

But I guess the story of me without you

Is different than the story of you without me.