When the Light Can’t Shine

Every time I write

It becomes about my body

I attract a heavy shadow.

As much as I wish for it

It never goes away, it follows me everywhere,

It mocks everything I do.

It gets into bed next to me

Removes my clothes

Even if I pretend to be asleep, even if I play dead

and make my legs heavier than it’s breathing

It doesn’t take no for an answer

Takes what it wants and never asks if I’m okay

It takes the food out of my mouth

The warmth out of my shower

It leaves bruises darker than the night sky

I never noticed how much more green my eyes look when they’re swollen.

When I look at my body,

all I see is the destruction and damaged it left behind

I can’t remember how I looked without scars

It always blamed me, convinced me I was the problem

Until I became a problem

It was addicting

It never loved anything but itself

But I still apologized

Convinced me I was worth the damage, because I wasn’t enough

The shadow follows me even when it’s not here anymore

Each time the water from my shower head hits my body

It reminds me of when it wasn’t so kind to me

How it used to trace lines on my body

Slowly making its way down to my pelvis

It filled my mouth with itself

So I couldn’t say no

Pulled my hair, left it’s handprints on my neck

To prove its existence

The greens and light brown on my skin

Matches my eyes.

I can’t see who I am anymore

It took everything of me

When it promised it loved me and didn’t listen to a no the first three times

As much as I wished for it, it never went away. It embedded itself into me.