When

When.

When you said I love you

I felt the twist in your words

When you hugged me

I felt the lie

When you kissed me

I wanted to cry

When you said sorry

I wanted to die

When you picked her

I knew I was out of time.

You were never truly mine

Yet you had lead me on to believe

I had a chance to love,

chance to be happy

But you abused me in the darkest way

You let me fall for you and all of your imperfections

Which in my eye were perfect in themselves because each had a story of their own.

When she said it was my fault

You believed her

When she said I was toxic

You listened to her

When she said I was obsessive

You agreed

But when we were alone

None of that was true

You acted as if you fell for me

But was that a lie in itself

When people ask ‘are you okay’

I say yes

When people question ‘who was she’

I say no one

When people wonder ‘what happened between you guys’

I say nothing

When people pry ‘are you over her’

I change the subject

Am I okay?

No I’m not.

Who was she?

Someone I fell for too fast.

What happened?

I honestly don’t know.

I’m not over you

I just lie and say I am

When I found the gun

You were with her

When I put it to my head

You never knew

But when I pulled the trigger

You were the gun.

As the bullet left the barrel and chaos shot threw my head

You were there in my mind, my dying thought, the reason I wrote this.

Hoping this wouldn’t become a suicide note

I agreed not to worry

I decided to lock this note away with my feelings

It’s too hard to see you with her.

It tears me apart but you’re hers.

When I wrote this

I felt the pain

When I was thinking of what to say

I could hear your disapproval

When my heart ached from writing this

I knew you wouldn’t care

When I finished this

I still wish you were here.