'What Men Fear Most About Going to Prison Is What Women Fear Most Walking Down the Sidewalk'

- 2013

Senior year in high school, my first boyfriend.

We lay on the couch beside the recliner; the recliner where my mother sits.

He moves in closer and I press into his chest.

I enjoy his presence and his warmth.

And he inches his hand to my hip, but I don’t mind

He tickles my thigh, and still I don’t mind

He moves his hand to the crease in my shorts between my legs, but this, this I mind…

I wait for him to stop the inch by inch progression, but he doesn’t

I want him to remove his fingers from my untouched skin, but he doesn’t

And all I hear is the plea in my head for him to stop

My mom asks a question about the movie, but I don’t hear her. I don’t really hear her

He has shifted my shorts completely to the side

… and so I answer my mother, careful not to scream out what I’m thinking

I lay there, unmoved, uninterested… scared

Does my mother know?

Can she see what’s happening?

Why isn’t she stopping this?

Mom I don’t want you to ever find this out…

But, I need you

I can’t seem to react, I can’t seem to move, why aren’t I stopping this?

I’m frozen in his warmth… on the couch… next to my mom.

He gets up, moves to the bathroom, washes his hands… and returns

I still lay unmoved, uninterested… scared

If you asked me what movie we watched that night, I would tell you I couldn’t remember.

If you asked me if it changed my life, I would say that every day that young girl is still frozen.

If you asked me if my mom ever found out, I would say not until she reads this.

And if you asked me if I wanted it, I would tell you no.

- 2013

Freshman year, fall semester, my first college crush

We’ve been talking for a couple weeks; tonight, we’re together at a party

We end the night in his dorm and we move to his bed

I enjoy kissing him and being with him

And he begins to remove my pants, but I don’t mind

He removes my shirt, and still I don’t mind

He grabs my hands and pushes my head to his penis, but this, this I mind…

I hoped that he’d make all the first moves, and he does

I wished for him to touch all of me, and he does

And I wanted it to be gentle or sweet, but it isn’t

He grabbed my head and told me “it was fine,” told me “I was fine.” But I really wasn’t fine.

He has his hands pressing on the back of my head

… and so I open my mouth wider, careful not to cry out between my breaths

I sat there, unmoved, uninterested… scared

Is this what sex is supposed to be like?

Does he care at all that it’s my first time?

When will he finish?

And I don’t want him to dislike me…

But, please stop

I told him I was nervous, I told him no, I told him I wanted to stop this

I’m frozen under his pressure… with him inside… as he finishes.

He gets up, moves to the bathroom, puts on clean boxers… and returns

I still lay unmoved, uninterested… scared

If you asked me if I drank at that party, I would tell you that it wasn’t much.

If you asked me if it changed my life, I would say that every day that young girl is still frozen.

If you asked me if my mom ever found out, I would say not until she reads this.

And if you asked me if I wanted it, I would tell you no; not the way it happened.

- 2017

Days before my 22nd birthday, a friend and fellow employee.

We hang out after a day full of classes; he brought edibles and we drove around.

He suggests the beach and we drink there

We pass through the park then end at his apartment

And we smoke more and begin to doze off, but I don’t mind

He moves closers to me, and still I don’t mind

He kisses me and removes the clothing barrier of our friendship, but this, this I mind…

I search for his hands in the dark to stop him, but am unsuccessful

I want him to take back his kisses and remove himself from in me, but he doesn’t

And all I hear is the plea in my head for him to stop

He mumbles words in my ear and pulls my hair; “do you want it?” No. I don’t really want it.

He has me bent over as the high is wearing off

… and so I let it continue, careful not to break-down in concern of his experience

I lay there, unmoved, uninterested… scared

What about our friendship?

Can’t he see I’m not into this?

Why am I letting this still happen?

I thought we were friends…

But, you needed more

I can’t seem to react. I can’t seem to move, why can’t I stop this?

I’m frozen against his sweat… sticking to his skin… face down in the pillows.

He gets up, moves to the bathroom, gets dressed… returns

I curl onto my side, unmoved, uninterested… scared

If you asked me if he considered our friendship during his moments of coercion, I would say I doubt it.

If you asked me if it changed my life, I would say that every day that young women is still frozen.

If you asked me if my mom ever found out, I would say not until she reads this.

And if you asked me if I wanted it, I would tell you no; just as I told him.

- 2018

February sixteenth, a night with the girls.

We bar hop and find a group of guys; mutual friends of some of the girls.

He takes a liking to me and we dance

I enjoy my drink and the night

And we kiss, but I don’t mind

He needs a ride home, and still I don’t mind

He’s insistent on me staying and guides me to his bed, but this, this I mind…

I want him to let me walk out of his door, but he doesn’t

I wait for him to notice my persistence to leave, but he doesn’t

And all my fight is gone

He has his 20 minutes of fame and lays next to me, but I’m not there. I’m not really there.

He breathes heavily on my neck and I pretend I’ve fallen asleep

… and so I squeeze my eyes shut and hold my breath, careful not to cry out

I lay there, unmoved, uninterested… full of hate

Why do I put myself in these situations?

How am I so helpless?

Didn’t I say I wanted to leave?

He must not have heard me…

But, I need to leave

I can’t seem to react, I can’t seem to move, why can’t I stop this?

I’m frozen under his sheets… tangled between him… as he urges for round two

He fucks me again, gets dressed, makes small talk about his hangover… and waits

I sat up hardly unmoved, uninterested… and l left

If you asked me if I have seen him since, I would say yes and each time he comes into my job I greet him with a smiling face.

If you asked me if it changed my life, I would say that every time I see him that women is still frozen.

If you asked me if my mom ever found out, I would say not until she reads this.

And if you asked me if I wanted it, I would tell you no, neither the first or second time.

@yesallwomen #yesallwomen