What If It Never Ends

stop talking, stop breathing, stop thinking, stop... existing “living” just stop doing whatever it is you're doing to stay alive

once you can figure out how to do that then you’ll be free

you won’t be held captive in your own house anymore

you won’t be led to the edge of existence to contemplate the fall that you could only imagine would last a lifetime, but you know it would be so much more

there’s no guarantees that this’ll work, but it never hurt to try

“why? why me and this pain? what did i do and how can i fix it?” are the questions i ask myself daily, hourly

why does anxiety curl ME up in its palm and twirl me around like a puppet on a string and make me dance around like a fool

my soul has become so accustomed to the touch of my depression that i now know no other sense of relief then its pain

my heart only swoons over the feeling of comfort and stability

never adventure or courageousness

my limp body dangles over the millions of razors that i’ve laid out perfectly just waiting for the right moment to leap

now? or never?

it’s your fault. it’s your fault. it’s your fault. it’s your fault. it’s your fault. it’s your fault. it’s your fault.

it’s my fault. it’s my fault. it’s my fault. it’s my fault. it’s my fault. it’s my fault. it’s my fault. it’s my fault.

what if i was never happy at all?

what if it was all a vivid dream that i tried so hard to make come true that i pushed too hard and forgot what i truly wanted

what if i never get better and am destined to become a detrimental servant to my depression and anxiety

forced to drag my ball and chain around

my flaws

forced to crawl on my hands and knees and beg for its attention as if it were the only thing keeping me alive

constantly reminded of even the smallest insecurities that hide beneath my “thick” skin

forced to live in darkness and fear the light that shines every morning

i am no longer stable on my own

i have cried oceans

and

no longer find it beneficial to be here anymore

i want to be better but THEY won’t let me… i truly am sorry