What If I Told You

What if I told you that I am not ok? What if I told you that I have so many emotions running through my head that some days I can't even think straight?

What if I told you that some days I get just get sad for no rhyme or reason just tears down my face?

What if I told you that I can't let go of the pain and try to make people believe I have,

But it keeps me up at night begging for me to fix it but every time I try I get cut on the broken pieces.

You think I'm floating on the water but what if I told you that my anxiety and depression makes me feel like I'm barely keeping my head above the water

Barely keeping it together trying not to fall apart. What if I told you that I am still so afraid that one day you'll wake up

And see all the things wrong with me, all my flaws and scars, all my problems and mistakes and that I'm afraid you still have feelings for her

What if I told you that it makes no sense that I fear abandonment but I like being alone.

What if I told you that if I push you away I'm sorry but I can't help it that is just what I do, it's what I've always done to protect myself from the hurt to come

But I only end up hurting myself and I know that but I feel like it's the only control I have ever had in my life

Because people always leave without my say so, so if I push you then you can't leave because I never let you stay.

What if I told you that sometimes I don't want to be here anymore, not dead I don't want to kill myself just sometimes I wonder

Why God put me here what his purpose was and is for me, no I don't want to be dead I just sometimes don't want to be here.

What if I told you that I'm the outsider the bad guy, the loner, the loser sister that the big sister is forced to bring everywhere

To make her feel good when she knows they are laughing about her behind her back.

What if I told you that sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be ok with who I am and if anyone well ever love me for who I am.

What if I told you that sometimes I wonder if you hate a part of me because you hate the person that help create me.

What if I told you that there have been days where I needed you and you were too busy so I didn't bother you but I needed you.

What if I told you that you would never believe me? That you would say I am making a big deal out of nothing and that I need to get over it and let it go.

What if I told you that is the exact reason you'll never know.