What Does It Mean to Ache

Nothing is tangible anymore. I can no longer chew up the rawness of life and spit it back out like I used to.

What does it mean to be human? I don't know. I don't know... All the faces around me have molded themselves together into one single person that I cannot seem to connect with, to be honest with, to feel pain and love with...

I beg, plead, exacerbate myself for release. I ache for even a fragment of the connection I once had that has long since set sail upon an endless unforgiving pilgrimage to a place long forgotten. I am no nomad, I am no giver, I am no God. I am a bucket-full of misgivings, half-learned lessons, and cheap alcoholic beverages. I am in search of reason, of purpose, of solace in a planet filled with wanton selfish desires. I am one paltry attempt at rationalism after another.

What does it mean to ache, and to feel confident only in the misjudgements bestowed upon you by your peers? What does it mean to have once felt true everlasting connection in a world filled with constant subservient malconduct? Is love even real, or is love truly always fleeting? I think I'm finally beginning to understand that old saying.

Perhaps it's not that we've killed God, but it's God who's killed himself. Perhaps he is just as confused as the rest of us in our own creations. Perhaps I'm not spilling thoughts onto broken pages, but merely the broken pages are spilling on to me. These words will never satisfy the constant growing doubts within my conscious thoughts.

I am a malcontent. I am a deviant in search of release. There is no drug to make me feel high anymore, there is no drink to make me feel quenched anymore, and there is no person to make me feel whole anymore.

What does it mean to ache?