What Am I Most Good at, Grandmother?

For my whole life, I thought I wasn’t good at anything!

A disempowering belief, I wasn’t able to overcome.

This belief made me feel worthless.

This belief held me back.

Until now!

🔑

Prepare to be set FREE as we take this journey together to discover, “What Am I Most Good At, Grandmother?”

This is my personal journey into myself, with guidance from my teacher, Mikis Hasson.

With assistance from master plant teacher, Grandmother Ayahuasca.

And I sat there in the hot seat, shaking.

Eager, anxious, excited for what's to come.

Mikis lit a new tobacco stick.

He looks at me.

"What am I most good at, Grandmother?"

Is the intention I'm given for our first night of drinking Ayahuasca.

For as long as I can remember, I've had the belief system that I'm not good at anything.

How ridiculous.

But deeply ingrained.

Where did this belief come from?

How could it even be true?

I layered up, white dress on top and we walked through the jungle to Casa Blanca.

It was pouring rain tonight so ceremony was being held indoors.

Our mats were set up for us, our Shipibo shamans sitting in the dark, I couldn't see their faces.

I felt star struck to see them wrapped in their hand embroidered fabrics, that I've known so well for the past year, leading up to this moment.

Sara from our hosting team, with power and gratitude led us in calling in and giving thanks to the directions.

"We call on OTORONGO! JAGUAR!"

This was now real.

We were led one by one up to the shamans to have tobacco blown on us and handed a small cup of the plant brew.

I went to my mat, sat cross legged, like a warrior, closed my eyes and bravely asked.

"What am I most good at Grandmother?"

I had drank Ayahuasca before, but this time I was going in with tools to navigate the experience.

I was to ask my intention and wait for a response.

I was to continue asking Grandmother Ayahuasca questions surrounding my intention, until I got an answer that made me FEEL.

This can take hours and can be extremely challenging detective work.

I was to dig, dig, dig through my subconscious, until I found my answer.

I had 4 hours.

The shamans began to sing their Icaros, which was my cue to lay down on my mat.

I lay my arms by my side, palms up, knowing I was not to move for the duration of the ceremony.

Not only was I not to fidget, I was forewarned that my body would try to distract me from getting to my answer so, no matter what happens, to be strong and focus on my intention!

Adam from our hosting team came over, put a big blanket on me and tucked me in.

It felt comforting to be tucked in by a strong man.

I put my scarf over my eyes.

Laying for 4 hours without moving sounded next level challenging for someone with a diagnosed ADHD mind.

There was no way I could also go that amount of time without opening my eyes to peek at what was going on around me!

I was now comfortable.

Niloufar from our hosting team came over and whispered in my ear.

"I need you to take the scarf off your eyes. It's not good symbolism. You can do this!"

I trust and allow her to remove my scarf.

"What am I most good at, Grandmother?"

Distrust crept into my mind, I wondered if the Ayahuasca was watered down and tonight's ceremony was a placebo to see if we could get our answers without the plant teacher's help.

​Even if I wasn't feeling the medicine, I was instructed to work.

"What am I most good at, Grandmother?"

Nothing.

"What am I most good at, Grandmother?"

I began to have a remembrance of being in the high-school band.

I tried out the clarinet, I didn't enjoy it.

I tried out drums, it was complicated, I didn't like it.

My mom paid for my piano lessons, I remember being pretty good, I even went into competitions. I didn't like practicing and my piano teacher Thalia always came over when celebrity gossip TV show "Entertainment Tonight" was on. I quit.

I remembered taking a pottery class, one class.

I remembered taking dance classes, they felt too structured, I hated going.

I started to think about how much I love ecstatic dance, unstructured, freeform dance.

"Am I most good at dancing, Grandmother?"

All of a sudden I could feel the Ayahuasca repairing my weak knees.

The sensation was unlike anything I've felt.

I wasn't having visions of my knees being worked on, I was fully present, feeling a force inside my skin, in with the blood and muscles, healing my knees!

I stayed with this for a while, it was astounding!

My teacher, Mikis said that my body would try to distract me but he also said that the right answer is the one that makes you FEEL.

I am feeling!

"Am I most good at dancing?"

My right knee and thigh made a really strong twitch, one that could have been seen across the room. I got the feeling that my body was giving me answers! I've sat with Ayahuasca many times and have never had a visionary experience, maybe this is my way of getting answers, through my body.

"Grandmother, is dancing what I am most good at?"

My thigh began to twitch really hard.

My feet and ankles shot out to the side.

My feet then went into a deep arch as if ballerina slippers had been put on my feet and I was on stage about to begin a performance.

I could feel the hosting team walking around the room, could they read my mind to know if I am working or distracted? This work is for you Phoebe, focus.

"Am I supposed to be a ballerina, Grandmother?"

It seemed crazy but it was the answer that was making me feel!

I could see how it could make sense, I had just began loving baby pink and I've already gone through much body and identity struggles in my life, so I'd be strong in that aspect.

Really though, a ballerina?

How the energy was moving through my body, I wondered if I'm meant to be an energy healer, something shamanic, or maybe a channeller.

"Am I most good at energy work, Grandmother?"

All of a sudden I had Justin Bieber laying down and I was doing a form of energy work over his heart. Gently tapping his chest.

I then began to think about the masculine and the feminine, about having a partner one day.

"Am I most good at being a partner, Grandmother?"

(Specifically meaning, Justin Bieber's partner.)

I then went into imaginary situations of us buying sheep carpets and giant crystals together for our new home.

Would we live together or would I want my own home?

Would I want him to be in his masculine and buy me my home or would I want to work and pay for it myself?

Would I even want to be with him or do I just like the idea of him?

Maybe "I just need somebody to loooooove..."

The thought crept in that maybe I was distracted...

I hear Aura, "Dear Argonauts, the first ceremony of your Mythic Voyage is now over..."

Thank goodness, by this point my body was ACHING!

Sara came over.

I was stiff, I could hardly get my legs to work. She helped me to stand and walk over to get my shoes on.

I worked hard during ceremony.

I wasn't going to tell Mikis and the group the part about Justin Bieber.

We walked through the jungle, single file, back to Okopua, our lodge, where we had Chamomile tea to calm the effects of the Ayahuasca. We sat around the table before heading to bed to get some rest.

We had a big day of work ahead of us!

In the hot seat the next day, I did as Phoebe does, I told everyone everything!

"... and then Justin Bieber and I went crystal shopping for our new home!"

Everyone in the group (minus Mikis and his helpers) began to laugh.

I laughed too.

Then shuddered.

The hot seat had turned into my TV hosting stool. I was back on camera, the others in the workshop, my audience.

I accidentally turned my "Phoebe Dykstra from MTV" on, while sharing about something very serious. This ceremony was part of the ticket to my new life, a deep and fulfilling life! This was not the time or place to put my TV personality on!

Mikis called me on what he saw.

He looked at me firmly, disappointed.

He scolded me that I had wasted an entire night of ceremony.

I felt (for the most part) that I had worked.

I told him about my body giving me answers, I thought he'd be impressed.

"What did we tell you about moving?"

"...but I thought..."

Mikis asked the group what they thought after hearing my share.

Everyone (including me) agreed that I had got distracted.

"A ballerina! Marrying Justin Bieber!"

Mikis reminded me that my intention was:

What Am I Most Good At, Grandmother?

"Anything you apply yourself to, Phoebe. Was your answer."

The end