We’re Friends

“you are always lost in thought.

i see it when you look up at me like you’re thinking really hard

concentrating on the scar in my forehead

memorizing the way my teeth clench out of habit

but you’re not

you’re just looking at me like friends do

you're looking over my shoulder

you’re looking at my folded over collar that attacks your OCD and you want to fix it

you’re looking at the phone in my hand because you need a phone case and you’re wondering where mine is from

you’re looking at the button on my shirt that’s come undone so you can warn me

that’s all.

you don’t fancy me the way i want you to.

you don’t find interest in me,

but what i am holding.

you don’t care for my characteristics,

but the flaws in my outfit.

you don’t care for me,

but your surroundings.

you care for you

you care for yourself and not me

because we are friends.

right?

right.

then why do i feel the opposite of lonely when my phone lights up with your name?

why do you make me smile every night of the week?

why do i care about you?

why do i care?

and you ask me. you ask me why i care

you ask me why i am angry, and stubborn, and why i ignore you, and why i make your life difficult, and i want to scream it out loud

YOU’RE NOT MY FRIEND YOU NEVER HAVE BEEN SINCE THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOU SINCE THAT FIRST DAY

but what good would that do?

so i say i’m sorry and that i’m moody and that i’m sensitive

but what if that’s a lie?

what if i’ve never been moody or sensitive in my life?

what if i care too much.

what if i’m in love with you, but that’s too premature because i don’t know you, do i?

but oh, i do

i’ve memorized your every feature, your every word, your every move

i know you better than you know yourself.

and i know you don’t have enough storage in you’re mind to remember the same about me

i know you use the room there to remind yourself of other girls

of other people

of other feelings

i am not a waste of space in your mind

because in your mind i do not exist at all

but tell me one thing

why do you get frustrated so easily

at one word replies

or when i don’t reply at all

or when i tell you of other people

tell me, is it a game?

do you say these things to make it seem like you care?

do you like it?

do you enjoy this?

and the sad part is, if you said you did, i’d probably encourage this “game” even further because the only thing that matters to me anymore is trying to make you happy.

what sort of paradox lies here?

one more common than you think.

i am in love

and you have never loved anyone at all

not even yourself

which draws me further

and i keep coming towards you

at full speed

and i can’t stop

but you haven’t noticed

you’re looking over my shoulder

you’re looking at my folded over collar that attacks your OCD and you want to fix it

you’re looking at the phone in my hand because you need a phone case and you’re wondering where mine is from

you’re looking at the button on my shirt that’s come undone so you can warn me

that’s all.

and so i continue

uneasy and incomplete.

i need you

for reasons i am unsure of

i just need you now.”