Welcome to My Mind

Creeping within the back of my mind.

A moment that lasts forever and never at once.

It goes by so quickly.

But never changes.

Making you feel stuck in pause, as the world keeps going in fast forward.

A purpose is what keeps you going, until you can't find that purpose at all.

Where is it?

Searching along the veins of my mind.

Every day is another day that is simply like the last day or the one before.

I can't stop thinking,

Yet I can't think clear.

A foggy mind with trees so high, reaching up to those trees with your fingertips.

Out of reach, out of mind.

I fight to climb and claw my way out.

Only to be let down time and time again.

Will the sun shine bright?

Will tomorrow bring change?

A piece of hope lingers around like a ghost not willing to say goodbye.

Days go on.

Days turn into weeks turn into months turn into years.

All in the blink of an eye.

Sleep is something I find bliss in.

Dreaming of another life.

Moving out with my lover,

Travelling to places so far away with friends.

Another life I long for deep within my heart.

Dreams are extraordinary.

Reality hits and the brick wall I face becomes another pattern within my life.

Every day.

I try to put on a brave face, stand tall and smile.

Things will get better, it's something I tell myself often.

A song playing in repeat in the back of my mind “it will get better, it will get better,”

But better is not what I would describe it as.

Because as each day passes by, I find myself more and more lost.

And I remind myself you have an amazing family and the best husband ever.

But then that voice comes back inside, deep within the darkness of the mind.

Telling me that I am a burden, not making anyone proud.

They are trying so hard to make ends meet, as I sit on my ass defeated by my mental demons.

So each day I try harder for them.

Some days are worse than others.

Some days are completely unbearable.

But once in a blue moon I have a really good day.

And that good day reminds me that there is always going to be potential for better days.

If there was a switch, or a button I could push,

that would make the bad thoughts go away, make the bad days burn in hell.

I would push it.

I would flick the switch.

It doesn't feel like the bad days make me stronger,

everyone says they make you a warrior.

But the bad days stab me in the heart far too often.

Dying again and again.

And the good days become a fading light.

Because the days turn into the past so quickly.

And that motivation blows away with the wind.

The days go by.

The days go by.

The days go by.

Again and again.

The days go by.

Keeping a brave face.

Holding my head up high.

Faking the confidence to make those around me believe things will change.

“She's stuck in a rut.” A rut as deep as the deepest parts of the ocean.

Taking years to swim out.

To get that gasp of air I so desperately crave.

But swim I shall try because although the ocean is something I fear,

overcoming fear is what we must do.

Even I know that, but my brain isn't ready.

I don't know how to prepare it for war.

To finally beat the demons that rip at my insides.

So instead of swimming I stop and float.

I float for a while.

It feels like I am stuck in time.

A broken clock, the hands not moving.

A suffocating silence, as I sit and wait to move to the next second.

Do I continue to crave the everlasting sleep that tempts me to my inner core?

Do I follow through with the choice that constantly sneaks back into my mind?

Push that thought out!

Push it out!

But back it comes, and with vengeance.

The anger I feel, about to implode..

Push that anger back, I lock it away for now.

So many emotions for one being to feel.

How do you fight so many ghosts?

Each with a feeling of their own.

Sadness is easy, you keep it inside.

Happiness it flourishes, smiling and laughing, you don't mind if people see that side of you.

I want people to believe I am happy.

Less of a concern for them.

Anger it boils over low heat.

Slowly getting hotter as each conflict arises.

Fear is a hard one, it comes in waves. Some things are logical, others make no sense.

Do you know what its like to not trust your own mind?

To have to second guess everything?

Having a voice that isn't your friend.

Constantly be at the back of your head!

I make sure to stand up for myself as much as you can,

But by the end of the day I am a broken human.

“You untalented, worthless piece of crap!”

“No wonder your friends no longer have your back!”

“Why feel sorry for yourself you hag? At the end of the day you're the only one to blame!”

The voices they spout pure hate and nothing more.

And my number one cheerleader is someone I don't want to worry.

So I smile and cuddle and try to forget about the bullshit.

But deep down inside I am ready to cave in, waiting for the right moment.

The voices whisper “I told you so!”

I breathe in the smoke and let it fill my lungs.

Making me anxious, but sleepy as well.

A few hours of horrible thoughts, are worth a good night sleep, even if it's wrong.

Sleep comes and I'm happy once again.

Even when I'm stuck in the worst nightmares.

I know its not real and even if it is, the solution is opening my eyes and then I'm good.

Nightmares are easy to solve to me.

Why can't reality be the same?

Creeping within the back of my mind, these thoughts lurk and linger, wishing me harm.

But of course as the day goes on, I swallow my pain, I move forward.

That's all I can do for now with ease.

Either things will change, or I will let this disease eat me alive.

So for now I will continue this fight.