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Un Breakup

Cannon Beach

The drownings of my thoughts as our strands of the hands of time drips away and my heart still couldn't perceive how much has consumed my mind these past three weeks.  Some will strongly agrees that any break ups are meant to be left behind and in the rear view mirrors.  Somehow and somewhere, our departure has landed me into the web of bitter sweet tinge of bewilderment and conflicted feelings.  

My mind seemed so far from the present emotional fumes and the deconstructions of our separation and reunion is beyond my reasonable brain can bear under such agony intricately laced with pleasure post break up ordeal. Many spoken and unspoken languages has evolved to our communication style and most of it were filled with angry tears and broken and fractured tones.  

This was one of the encounters where I truly felt as if my heart was being thrown into a blender and my body is slowly churning away into dust.  As we held under the thick and smothered blanket, inhaling each other's cries and exhales of teary wails; our time was sliced into nothingness as we shed some more tears intertwined as one.  

It was more than hours or days of silent agony and the usual of "no contact" rules applied and my life was more than three hours away from yours.  Bellowing with condensed repressed emotions and unfinished words; you called and left that voicemail which begged me to drift back to how it felt to hear your voice again.  

Even though it was only a very slim amount of no contact and no phone calls or any kind of mental or physical synchronization; deep inside each of us lies a river of unveiled words and the agonizing realization of being hollow. Time here and now seems to always slip away like quick sand and as the avalanche of the days passes by; our tension subsides and rises as I face my darkness with your questions.  

In the midst of my heart chords, there are secrets and shame that has wrapped around my soul for a decade or more now.  Through the tearful jerks of borderline arguments and debates, you pierced through my lies and the attempts of me trying to not uncover my veil.  Little did you know that it sings my heart to let you inside my soul and parts of my ugly past.  

It was the pureness of how I have envisioned you and I in this short and sparkled fling of an affair that lead me to yearn to keep things at bay and semi perfect.  In the end, all I will ever have of you were the mental images of you and me along the paths of our walks or the "first times" that we both gleamed with excitement due to our desperation of loneliness. 

There were too many of the "first times" that has announced the correlation of how much impact this relationship had upon me and the unpretentious moments of quirky laughter to immense adoration of affections of hands being held.  Never once in my life have I ever felt as if my childish side were traveling back in time to dance in this bare foot in a trance of dewy grass.  The fast paced of six weeks of uproar romance laced with downhill and upstream of contradictions. 

In many ways, you symbolized my polar opposite side of my hidden self and I only wish you'd understand my underlying fears someday when we no longer speak or see each other in flesh.  As the hours and the minutes drips and drops by, my whole emotional demeanor switches and I finally let out a roaring of a cry due to all of the withholding back and this actualized everything and anything we ever had was a made up story.  

So many unspoken words and unannounced tribulations of traveled thoughts with moments of awkward silence to serenading with passionate exchanges filled the air around you and I last night.  The entire atmosphere seemed to be dimming down with the obvious factor of how this whole week's worth of time spent will be soon evaporating into air when I depart tomorrow morning.  

A promise is still intact when I recalled about my determined ideas of completely forgetting this past week of  happenings and how we'd both cut off contact and delete each-other's phone numbers.  It is very self assuring to verbalize this when time was at it's snail pace. 

This was a range of unprocessed feelings of absolutely utter un-explainable heart aching separations that it was meant to be this way from day one when our eyes met.  

Through it all after all of these past tidal waves of dismounted departures; you were the reason for my cravings of horrible habits to be ceased.  It was the last of the chapters of our beginnings of the final chapter that awakened me to examine myself in a fine tune manner.  

The time cannot be more exact than the moments when we both acknowledge the destination of short and stunted affair that we've shared.  This was the pinnacle of what some part of my soul needed to face and for me to stop chasing my past shadows of shame.  

Read next: Your Heart Knows
Aiyan Turley
Aiyan Turley

Return to Innocence of my soul is to be in acceptance of darkness underneath the light.  Life has U-Turns and sometimes second chances are the ones that will create redemption within ourselves.  Always with Love in everything that breathes

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Un Breakup
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