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Twelve

First

By Julian ShoafPublished 5 years ago 2 min read
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I’ve never been able to write like this before.

It’s funny what pain does to the brain.

Maybe it’s just the drugs.

Not trying to point fingers, but my friends weren’t the ones to put me back on them.

I open wounds every day, before they have time to heal.

I’m getting kind of used to feeling this way.

I really do hope that you’re doing well.

I remember the first time that I laid my eyes on you.

I know, I am torturing myself.

But I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

I still remember what you were wearing.

You made me weak.

I remember the first time that we spoke.

I honestly didn’t want to speak to you.

I have never been good at making friends.

But you couldn’t find your pen.

You sat right next to me, and I let you use mine.

I could tell that you were a mess.

I really liked it.

I was a mess too.

We became friends, but I’ll never understand why you gave me a chance.

I remember the first time that we hung out.

I was upset that night, over something that I don’t want to talk about.

You offered to take my mind off it.

I was so nervous that I was shaking.

Why me?

Please tell me.

Why did I ever think that I was different?

You had me believing everything.

You picked me up at my house, and we went to pick up weed for you and your friends.

We parked and talked as you rolled a blunt.

I miss you so much.

We watched funny videos as we sat there, and you rested your head on my shoulder.

You are so beautiful.

You will do so much better than me.

We went back to my house and cuddled.

You hated cuddling before you met me.

I’m proud that I always had you in my arms.

Your head was on my chest.

My heart was pounding so hard, and I’m sure you knew it.

Now it doesn’t feel like it beats at all.

I want to go back to that night.

It was silent for a moment, and you looked up at me.

Your eyes always haunt me.

I don’t know how I found the courage to kiss you, but I did.

I miss your lips.

I wonder if you miss mine, too.

I really fucked up.

I’m holding onto myself now, to keep control.

I can’t stand not talking to you, anymore.

I really hope you hear this.

I really hope it doesn’t make you mad.

heartbreak
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