True Love

When I was younger I thought that true love was simple

But as I grew I saw that what is thought to be it ends up in pieces

My mother and father got a divorce when I was in fifth grade

My dad took us to dinner and told us

I've never cried that hard in public since then

I didn’t know how to handle it

He left that night, but said that he would be back if things got better

My mother said otherwise

She knew he would never be back, i got sick that night

I thought that my parents were in love

I still have their wedding album, they were so happy back then

My father told me he would never remarry

Two or three years ago he did

I had no problem with this

I love my stepmother

But i couldn't understand how a person could fall in love more than once

I thought that he could never fall in love again

I was wrong, my thoughts of love were wrong

I opened my heart to other people

I dated a lot in middle school, though none of the relationships really mattered

I loved a girl named Josephine, I thought it was true love

He is a good friend of mine now, his name is Jay though

When I was younger I thought that true love was easy to find

But as I dated more and more I realized that it was so much harder

So many loved me and yet it was so hard for me to truly love back

I didn’t feel it, i just couldn't feel it

I met a boy named Josh

I really did love him, and then i messed up and i lost him

I messed up so badly

But the boy that I messed up with fell in love with me

And I loved him too

It was weird, loving two people at once and then later only loving one

And then

And then I fell in love with one

I fell in love with Ethan so hard

I had never fallen in love

I was scared and confused because I had been hurt and bruised

I was convinced for a long time that I was normal for people that love you to hurt you

After all my parents fought for a long time of my life

My mother had a boyfriend who treated her and us like shit

He almost killed her once and yet she stayed with him for so long

I didn’t know it wasn’t normal for love to have no pain

I was wrong

I was so happy with Ethan that it almost DID hurt sometimes

We fought, like any relationship did, but we were always okay

Our fights never lasted and the pain never stayed

I loved him more than some of my family

I was scared because i was so attached to this person

I was scared because I was so connected to another person

He was my other half, and truly my best friend

He left me

I wanted him to be the last person i was ever with and yet i was only his first

I was his first love, his first of a lot of things

I am broken without him, half my clothes are his, my jacket, my sweat pants

I have to give them back and return his necklace

He gave me a stuffed bunny for my birthday, and i slept with it the entire month that i was gone

It hurts too much to look at now

How did two people so in love just suddenly break

I'm still so in love and yet he just

Left

Hes gone and i don't know why

I can't grasp how love is so complicated

I don’t understand how it is made to look so easy and simple and yet it is so hard

It looks so happy and wonderful when in reality it can tear you apart

I don’t know how to love again, only how to be attracted

I don’t know how to really fall in love, i never really knew in the first place though

I don’t know what to do anymore except try and move on

Is this what my mother felt when my father left?

No because even then she saw it coming, she knew what their problems were

When did I mess up so badly

Was it the seizure i had that caused you to spend hours of your time on the phone with me

Was it the fight we had that I thought had a happy ending?

Why did you let me fall so far in love with you if you never wanted to love me back?

Why did I ever let myself fall in love in the first place

I knew it was always going to end badly, it has my entire life hasn't it?