Tired Christmas

The first Christmas heartbreak was finding out that Santa wasn't real.

I was 10.

The second Christmas heartbreak was when my first boyfriend moved away before Christmas.

I was 14.

The third was when my first love broke my heart a week before Christmas.

I was 18.

And later, when my soulmate broke it 3 weeks before Christmas.

I love to watch these Hallmark movies,

watching all those people find love and family again.

Watching people who got Christmas back.

But really, they make my heart bleed.

The lights on the tree remind me of the Christmas light that used to be inside me.

But it's never been the same since those days of heartbreak.

I want to feel the Christmas spirit that everyone else feels.

I know part of me feels it, but not wholly.

But, Christmas just reminds me of broken hearts,

waiting to become whole again.

It feels even more wrong when everyone around you

feels and sees the Christmas spirit,

and you know you should have it.

But instead you feel broken.

And like a scrooge.

You feel even more broken knowing

you shouldn't feel broken,

especially during Christmas.

I try to focus on the trees, the lights, the company,

but yet,

something is still missing.

Part of me wonders,

if I will ever feel the magic I felt on the Christmases years ago.

When I had everything in sight.

Tell me. When will everything feel alright?

Please, I need a Christmas miracle.

I know I don't need someone to make me whole.

But Santa, please bring him home.

The only way I feel I can make Christmas right.

Is to have someone who will finally stay by my side.