Through the Anxiety

I’ve always been anxious. There are thoughts constantly circling in my head every moment of every day. Worries and doubts mixed with thoughts of you and love. Fear of annoying you mixed with your words saying it’s okay to spam you if I need to. I am always so scared that one day, my anxiety will be too much for you to deal with and you’ll just walk away. After all, every person I’ve dated before you has; after all, that’s all I’ve ever known, so my heart and my brain are already trying to protect themselves from the pain.

My mind - always trying to find the little red flags of emotional abuse that it has become accustomed to. Always trying to never say the wrong thing. Always trying to make myself wait as long as possible before I send another anxious text, hoping it won’t get me blocked this time, because that’s a normal reaction, right?

And yet, you haven’t.

Instead, when anxiety rears its ugly head and pulls me into the dark abyss, you are there- ready to pull me out. When I see you looking at me with the look you reserve only for me, my mind is silent. There is a sudden peace that only you can give me. When PTSD makes me afraid to be touched in a sexual way by anyone, the way your eyes roam my face and my thighs quells any fear - sends a calm through me, followed by the longing to feel your hands on my skin.

Your “I love yous” are the only thing that can stop a panic attack in its tracks. Your eyes searching mine are the only ones that can see directly into my soul and know what I’m feeling before I even say a word. Because with you, I never have to explain my anxiety.

With you, my heart skips instead of races. With you, my cheeks are red from blushing more often than they are wet with tears. With you, I laugh more than I cry. With you, I cry from being overwhelmed with how much I love you more than from the fear of anxiety and abandonment.

With you, I know what love feels like. With you, love is laughing at silly jokes, sarcastic comments and falling asleep on Skype. With you, love is flipping each other off with smirking lips. With you, love is sticking tongues out trying to make the other break into giggles first. With you, love is knowing I want to spend the rest of my life with you. With you, love is having zero doubts.

When I tell you how lucky I am to have you, it’s more than just words. It’s more than just a feeling. It’s how you knew that I was the one for you, too. It’s in the way your first “I love you” still lingers in the air and has made an imprint on my heart. It’s in the way your patience with me is helping me to re-learn what a healthy relationship really means. It’s only being able to describe my feelings for you in poetry because otherwise, I can’t get a coherent sentence out. It’s realising what love songs are talking about. It’s knowing in my soul that I’m going to marry you and life will be perfect.

Not perfect like a fairytale but perfect in the imperfections we bring to the table. Perfect in how much we love each other through the hard days. Perfect in how every time your name pops up on my screen, my heart skips a beat and a smile spreads on my lips. Perfect in the way my feelings for you only grow even when you’re having a rough day. Perfect - because in the darkness of anxiety, yours is the only face I see. My mind racing - yours is the only name that I can clearly hear. Perfect in the way you smile at me. Perfect in the way that you love me. Perfect - in how you are what I think of when I want to go home.