Threesome

Girl why are you crying? We are in this together. You don't need any friends or family, I am here for you.

That is what my anxiety says to me, every time I try to open up to you.

I bet you didn't know, I am in a full-blown relationship with her. She stops me from going places by myself or talking to that person over there. She keeps me up at night over thinking, and over reacting. She is the one who tells me, you don't love me and that this is all too good to be true.

Why do you think, you can out run me? Like I am not stuck to you like glue. Like I will not follow you to the ends of the earth?!

That is my depression, letting me know I have no way out. Taunting me. Showing me how powerful she really is. I bet you didn't know, I have a side piece who won't take no for an answer. See, she is the reason I cry all alone in the shower. And the reason why the thought of killing myself almost won. She is the reason why I can't forgive or move on effectively. She likes to bring up old shit, and remind me that I wasn't good enough back then or now.

See I have been in a love triangle from the age of 15 and it seems they just won't let go. I tried talking to a counselor (you know, open up and shit) but they both came in with me, one on each side.

"Kj, how does that make you feel?"

Anxiety: "who does he think, he is talking to?" You won't get me to talk.

Depression: "I feel like yelling! I feel like crying! I feel like nothing"...

Me: "I feel fine."

I'm a black girl and I can't have problems like this ( That is what my mother said). Don't go telling people my business, keep that in my house. If you have a problem you talk to me, ( And I will judge you) and I will tell you it's nothing wrong, you are being dramatic, it is nothing wrong with you.

See I told you she wouldn't believe you. I told you! (Both of them).

See they love ganging up on me, making me losing myself, making me feel small or like I am crazy. They enjoy making you look bad to me, they show me things that aren't there.

You try to fight with me. You try to get me to see and understand your point of view, but I am set in their ways. As you see, I said their ways because I am not sure what mine are. You tell me to smile, because you have no idea what's happening in my mind.

Every time I try to yell for help, they both shut me up. Covering up my mouth and keeping the tears from falling in front of you.

Yo, I can't fight with you, I am way to busy fighting with them (I mean) fighting with myself (I mean) fighting... I'm way too busy trying to hide (I mean) trying to survive.

I can't breakup with the two of them, they will not let me. They need me, the same way I need them. Life makes no sense without them, they're the only ones who are consistently around, when everyone else walks away, they stay. They both keep me safe (well in my mind they do).

I know this threesome is hard for you to comprehend, well imagine how hard it is for me...

—Kj