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Thoughts

An Original Poem

By Ash StevensPublished 6 years ago 2 min read
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I cannot breathe as I think about the events that lead me to this point.

I am standing in front of you,

my heart is beating, I know it is, but I cannot help but feel like it is not.

I am silently counting my own pulse trying to keep myself in rhythm

It is not noticeable but there are a thousand thoughts running through my head

99.9% of them are happy but that damn .1% has me believing I’d be better of dead.

Better off six feet under, rather than six inches away from you.

I am thorough in my cross examination of my own thoughts

“if you jump now, the car would hit you quick enough”

no I would miss by two inches and end up with the label “crazy suicidal”

and I would not being standing here with you.

I convince myself each second that my thoughts are wrong that I must stop going through this.

But one day they will not be wrong when they tell me that you,

the person I am alive for, is leaving.

That there is nothing I can do to stop this and I will fact check myself,

notice that you’ve stopped spending the night as often,

notice the lack of affection, the sudden disappearance of your items from my house,

and I will be left with nothing but my thoughts

Thoughts I had fought all this time, simply to be with you.

And your ghost will plague me for months as I lay in my bed,

your scent still embedded in the sheets I refuse to wash.

I will hold on to us for as long as I can until the last thread tears.

My thoughts will get worse with the realization that this is real

that you will not come back, that you didn’t go out to the store for a quick surprise.

I will cry when I cannot find my favorite sweater, your sweater.

And slowly I will start to die at the thought that you are with someone else,

that I have become too dependent upon you to be happy.

The realization that I need to be my own source of happiness will damn near kill me because

I do not remember a time I was happy without you.

But right now, I am with you.

Six inches separates our bodies, I can feel your kindness radiating.

I can tell your thoughts are opposite to mine,

you are thinking of our future but I am thinking of our ultimate destruction

and I cannot help my thoughts and I cannot stop my anxious tendencies to check that you really have not left.

You are the reason I am alive, but I will become my own happiness

So if my thoughts are right, it won’t hurt as much.

love poems
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About the Creator

Ash Stevens

Just trying to survive the world and write some things.

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