Poets logo

This Might Be Cliche

OK, it is cliche.

By sarah OsifoPublished 6 years ago 7 min read
Like

Warning:

What you are about to read might be a situation that you have heard of time and time again. You might even refer to this as cliche.

before you roll your eyes and exit the screen

Don't

things become cliche when its a shared experience that numerous people have gone through

i believe that once we start referring to life events as cliche or unoriginal we decrease the value of the impact it had on our lives.

so instead of looking at this and thinking, "ugh this is so cliche"

why not think, "hmm, i remember when something similar to this happened to me

Try and connect with me, feel with me, find growth and healing with me

anyways, don't exit the screen.

thanks

I was not the girl who got attention from guys.

I was small, wore glasses, really smart, and had no sense of fashion

oh i was also black

you may think that has nothing to do with it but it does

you see, even though I came across as quite sure of myself

i hated my skin color growing up.

when people say they hate their skin color, they are not referring to their melanin. it has nothing to do with the biological aspect.

they mean they hate what their skin represents in society

for me

my skin meant that i was ugly, and there is no other way to put it

dark skin was and still is shamed

for a black girl, you needed to be as close to white as possible if you wanted any of the guys to be interested in you

light skin was ideal

loose curls scored you points

colored eyes would get their attention

oh and you couldn't wear braids.

just don't be different

The first guy that ever paid attention to me was my best friend

lets call him naiveness

I choose naiveness because looking back, it represents how I went through the relationship

it was a completely new experience

first time i built a relationship with someone i had feelings for

i didn't know what to expect, so i went through it blindly and submissively

i really enjoyed his company and i loved talking to him

honestly looking back..

i think i was just happy that a guy finally paid attention to me, i was willing and ready to give naiveness my all

i wanted to show him i cared about him

i worked hard to make sure he knew i would always be there for him.

he was the first guy to treat me badly

naiveness made me question my already fragile sense of worth

naiveness started this cycle of putting myself last

naiveness set up the standard of what i should expect from boys i like (little) and how they should treat me ( not a priority)

naiveness broke a lot of promises to me

he liked me.. just not enough

second guy was also my best friend

lets call him ignorance

i choose ignorance because at the time I wanted a future with him, but i ignored certain things about him that i knew were contradicting

by future i mean i was actually willing to allow myself entertain the idea that me and this boy could be together for a long time

i was so taken by how he made me feel, I didn't stop to think critically

ignorance challenged me to think outside the box

i cared about him a lot

i still care about him till this day

i tried not to fuck up with ignorance

i wanted to be the perfect friend

i tried to help him in anyway possible

i was willing to do a lot more for ignorance compared to what he would do for me

im pretty sure he felt the same way too. till this day i still believed he did

but race was an issue

he would never admit it out of fear of being called a racist

but he wanted to play it safe

i was not safe

too different

he liked me too... just not enough

third guy i didn't even like at first

lets call him lust

i craved excitement, i craved passion, i craved more physical experiences

when I'm looking for attention. i tend to behave in ways that i think will make a guy react and notice me.

if it takes this much effort just to be noticed.. there is a problem

anyways with lust i did a lot of things that im still not sure if i regret

yes i wish i did not do them. but at the same that was the only way to learn and understand why it is not okay for me to behave as such

i got attached really quick

lust did not

i was confused on why

i couldn't see what was wrong with me

i thought i played it by the book this time

i didn't text to much... i didn't expect him to pay when we went out

i was also a nice "christian" girl

i had goals and ambitions

i was really smart, on my way to becoming valedictorian

but could be a freak when he needed..

he still didn't like me enough

fourth guy was the most recent

im going to call him desperation, because although its embarrassing that is exactly what it was

this one i really liked

this one i really wanted it to work out

this one i had a plan for

i was going to show desperation how great of a girl i was

i became his shoulder when he needed it

he confided in me

i consoled him

i believe actions speak louder than words... so i tried to show desperation how far i was willing to go to show him i cared.

unfortunately i got hurt in this relationship more than the others

on every possible occasion he sent me signs that he was not here for any of that

i ignored them

desperation made me question my self worth more than the others combined.

i did things for desperation that i was not certain about

i put myself last, and him first

and even though i kill myself trying to rack my brain and figure out what it was about me that just didn't make him want me.. i cant anymore

my heart aches, because desperation had me feeling amazing, and like a drug he also had the power strip me of any sort of control and happiness. but in order for me to get back on that high i would aimlessly, blindly, stupidly, keep trying to prove to him that hes wrong and that i am worth it.

its exhausting

he told me he liked me.. but not enough to do something about it

If someone asked me to describe these individuals, i wouldn't speak ill of any of them because they are all great people

none of these guys set out to intentionally hurt me.

I cannot and will not blame any of these guys for what happened

Once I stopped associating them with the negative and positive feelings i had in the relationship, i came to understand that this was something that goes deeper.

naiveness

ignorance

lust

desperation

all four describe certain aspects of me that led to the actions I took in order to end up in situations such as these.

I was naive to think I could change a guys perspective of me if I could just show him I was enough

I ignored the signs that told me this Is not something I should pursue

I gave into lust and did somethings that would only leave me feeling cheap and like damaged goods

I felt desperate to prove myself even though I did not need to.

And that’s when I realized I had some self esteem issues. Which was a strange thought because I never thought of myself as “ that girl”

I thank God every day for revealing this to me

when you find yourself in an endless pattern,

you seem to be attracting the wrong kind of person,

certain things keep happening to you in a relationship

I believe that is when we need to evaluate the only constant variable in the situation

you

men are not trash

how we choose to get into relationships and the things we do in our relationships is what produces trash

the signs we ignore out of hope for something good is what produces trash

These are things that i am excited to work on and change about myself

im still on that journey though, and i do not have all the answers right now.

The reason why I chose to be this vulnerable Is because I tired of this bad bitch narrative. A narrative that tells us girls (and guys tbh) that you shouldn't show emotion when you're hurt because it makes you weak

you need to stunt on these hoes

show them that you're capable and strong and unstoppable

although that is great sometimes, other times we just want to feel

and its okay to feel

i want to let people know that they're not alone

we all experience these things

you don't have to leap forward like a bullet ready to explode on everyone's expectations by going above and beyond

you can crawl out, like a wounded soldier, nurse yourself with care so you can enter battle stronger than ever

its okay if its painful, and its okay to take your time.

social commentary
Like

About the Creator

sarah Osifo

Just a confused girl who likes to write to find clarity

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.