There's No Right Time // Midnight Blues

While the rest

of the world sleeps,

my lampshades

shine like fire.

Burning

to keep the

questions flowing.

Burning,

to keep

me up at night.

They fuel my thoughts,

my desires.

Some things

I don't want to aknowledge.

The shadows

of your face

haunt my room

around midnight.

They come out

in waves of

sly memories.

Always around 11

is when this girl

starts thinking.

And thinking

is what is going to be

the end of Her.

Two nights ago,

I found my heart heavy

with desire

and my body aching

with the kind of sadness

that I haven't talked to

in a long time.

It's the kind of love that

hurts

when you think about it.

It's the kind of love

that is sheer desire

and sheer sadness.

Desire

overwhelmed my body.

I found myself

breaking into

and down

into tears.

i missed you.

I missed you so.

I felt like I had

so much

and so little

to say.

I wanted to talk to you.

I wanted to so bad.

But I swallowed

my unanswered questions

for months

and cried myself to sleep.

I figured it would be

better that way.

That's a lie

to yourself little Lo.

That's a huge lie

to yourself.

Last night,

the Universe told me

to tell you

what I needed to say.

It was time,

even though there is

no right time

for anything like this.

So I crawled outside,

under the midnight sky,

in the blue sweater

that you used to crawl into--

the blue one that can fit two;

and I broke down again.

With shakey hands

and a ocean eyes,

I asked the

many

unanswered questions;

I tried to spit out

the first one.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"What ya need?"

The sound of your voice

is what made the

tears flow down my cheeks.

My throat tightened

and I was unable to speak.

My mind jumbled

with so many thoughts

and questions

that I was

thinking

for some time.

You asked me

if I was there or not.

"Why...

why didn't you...

why didn't you..."

I couldn't spit it out.

More tears.

"Lo..."

I took

a last breath

and asked,

"Do you love me?"

A rush of fear

flowed

from my

head

to my toes.

"I do"

you said.

A satisfying answer

was what I was

looking for,

but not what I was

asking for.

I pushed on.

"No...

do you love me?"

I heard nothing--

just the sound of

my stomach...

dropping.

Silence,

is never a good sign.

I stared up

to the Universe,

with teary eyes

and asked Her

to make this work.

Please,

make this one thing

work.

"I can't answer that."

you said.

I kept crying into the phone,

asking the Universe.

James Dean.

Tony.

Budhah;

anyone up there--

where's my partner in crime?

where is he.

You kept listening.

I kept crying

and wiping away

the tears

with my blue sweater

like I was fine.

Like I've been doing

for the last three months...

I still didn't feel better

so I kept persisting.

There I sat,

in my chair

on my front porch--

curled up in the

sweater for two,

under the midnight sky

with another wicked case

of the midnight blues--

asking questions

I should have asked

a long time ago,

but never had

the guts to ask.

"I had no idea I hurt you this bad."

"Yeah,

of course you didn't."

You don't pay attention enough.

You would have never known

if I hadn't told you

on this lonely night.

I kept picking at the scab

on my knee

until it bled.

"I never wanted this to be an end.

Nothing is an end."

you said.

"I don't see that.

I see grey most of the time,

but this is black or white.

More sinking silence.

"I just don't see

another way.

I love you.

I knew that

when I met you.

I never feel that.

You should know."

more silence.

more tears.

"I've come to the

conclusion

over these past months,

that I would rather know

that my partner in crime

is somewhere on this globe

than to have

no partner in crime.

It hurts to know

that I don't have you.

It's hurt all of these months."

My night ended

with laughter.

But

it was laughter

that covered up

the tears.

My friends,

my advice to you,

is to chase

the one you love.

No matter how far,

try.

Make an effort,

try.

It hurts to know

that the one you love

isn't next to you

but it hurts more

to know that

you don't have one.

xx

-lo