The Way You Smile

The way you smile, when you’re in mid-laugh, is my sunshine on my good days, my rainy days, and my dark days.

The way you smile, when you’re in mid-laugh is my sunshine no matter where I am and no matter where you are, you are there for me.

The way you smile, when you’re in mid-laugh is my sunshine because when I see that smile, you make me instantly feel safe. When I look at you, I feel wanted because, there is never a moment with you where I’m not safe.

The way you smile, when you’re in mid-laugh is my sunshine because when I see that smile I instantly feel at home because looking at you I am home and I feel so alive looking at you. No matter what house I’m in, it won’t feel as welcoming as your smile. Looking at you while you smile in mid-laugh is the sunshine to my soul.

The way you smile, when you’re in mid-laugh gives me a sense of belonging. I use to never fit in anywhere but you grabbed me by the hand and gave me a reason to keep going. You took my hand and said…

“Hold on tight, this life is a wild one.

Make no mistake the day will come when you can’t cover up what you’ve done.

Now don’t lose your fight, kid. It only takes a little push to pull on through.

With so much left to do; you’ll be missing out, and we’ll be missing you.”

You took me by the hand and gave me a reason to stay and not to leave.

By grasping my hand you held, and held, and held until I came through. Even then you kept holding and so did I because without your loving hands, I would not be here.

But in the midst of holding hands, I kept you a daydream away so I could watch you from a safe place so I could never lose you. Without the safe place, we would not be together and I always want to be with you.

In our day dreaming and hand holding you taught me that my beauty is not defined by the size of my jeans. What’s a pair of pants anyways?

You taught me to be myself and screw anyone else who tries to mess with that because right now I’m being who I am as a proud trans male who goes by the name of Cole William Achkar.

You told me that I don’t live for them; I live for me and to find something that makes me smile and stick with it. And trust me, I have and it’s you baby. You gave me something to live for and when I look at you, I see 4 reasons to live. You make me smile from ear to ear and I thought I would never be able to smile that big again.

You taught me that life sucks sometimes but it all happens for a higher purpose and I know that now because you saved me when my life sucked. And I’m starting to see my higher purpose. A higher purpose of one day getting Testosterone injected into my thigh.

You taught me to keep being crazy, to keep being loud, and to be myself because the only thing I have in life is myself, my friends and you. You gave me the confidence that it’s okay to be me and I’m starting to come to terms with Cole.

You taught me that the scars on my critical veins are beautiful and I believe it now. My beautiful scars on critical veins are what makes me, me and they give me a reason to keep going. But who knew that self-harm scars and beauty could go hand-in-hand.

You taught me that if I’m ever feeling depressed to put my earphones in, turn the volume up, ignore the world and you’ll be right there with me through those earphones. There is never a moment when you aren’t with me because you are always there, right through those earphones, singing my anxiety away.

You taught me that dreams don’t always exist when the sun is down and your eyes are shut. You’re right; looking at you in my wake is my dream. Looking at you is a dream whether I’m awake or sleeping. But even when I’m sleeping you are in my dreams.

When I see you, I know I made it home because looking at you, I’m always home. Your face gives me a safe haven that can never be replaced because looking at you, I’m safe.

You 4 are my only ones. The only ones you’ll ever be.

The way you smile, when you’re in mid-laugh, is my sunshine on my good days, my rainy days, and my dark days.

You 4 will always be the same, perfect sunshine’s to my soul.

You 4 are my sunshine’s in every waking moment of my recovery and I thank you.

So, All Time Low, thank you, for saving me, from, myself.