The Truth Is

The truth is

I was broken for so long, I even had myself convinced that I was well put together

And as long as I was fixing something else, someone else

I could pretend my purpose was fulfilled.

I could pretend I was happy.

I could pretend everything was fine.

Until it wasn’t

until I couldn’t get out of bed anymore

Until I couldn’t drive down the street without pulling over to cry

Until I couldn’t breathe anymore because the panic would set in at the very thought of having to live for one more moment

The truth is

I had been destroyed over and over again

But I had this smile, you see

The kind that people say lights up a room

And I thought it would be selfish of me

To let the world be any darker than it already was

So I smiled, and I laughed, and I learned how to have a great time

And I learned how to lay in bed at night

and embrace the tightening of my chest

The irregular beat of my heart

And I learned how to keep breathing

The truth is

I felt everything too deeply

I let pain slice into me and cut arteries

I let my emotions bleed out into the world

And when I couldn’t figure out how to fix myself

I charged myself with fixing everybody else

Because that’s what made me feel unbroken

When I found pieces of happiness

I held on to them

The way you hold on to the handlebars of your bike

When you are going downhill too fast and realize the brakes don’t work

The truth is

I was miserable

And I couldn’t fix anybody else

So I started fixing me

I started looking in the mirror

First, I forgave myself for every stupid mistake I ever made and for the ones to come

Then, I accepted that my body was more than just a playground for temporary men

I embraced the curves of my nakedness—I saw beauty in the stretch marks that came from creating three lives

I looked myself in the eye and smiled.

And they were right. It did light up a room.

The truth is

I am paint splattered on a canvas

I am a moon dance on a clear night

I am the smell of starting over after a spring thunderstorm

I am magical

I make my own definition of what beautiful is

I have to love me more than anybody else and really-

Only I could put me back together

There is no one person on Earth who can love me more than I love myself

But I know there is one person out there who will try

And I will be whole when he gets here