The Tears I Cry

Hey daddy

I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately

I know I’m not five anymore but some days it’s still not real to me that you're gone

I still have no memory of you but I still feel like you're there

I know you're gone and you’ve been gone for a while

But

I still feel like a child when it comes to you

I was only a child when you were taken away

I was innocent and yes I’m making this about me but I feel like I had this bond with you that no one else had but I can’t remember

I’m still upset that you're gone and I still don’t think it’s fair

You have two granddaughters that you haven’t met.

It’s not fair that you're not here for them

I can’t go to you and hug you and tell you how much I love you

There are people out here who hurt children but they still have the privilege to walk this earth

There are even people out here who kill people. Why do they have the right to love but you didn’t?

What did we do to deserve this?

What did I do to deserve this pain?

Why?

Instead I have to go to your grave and put flowers on it

Your grandchildren will have to see your tombstone instead of your face

I still cry as if I was five and it just happened

I miss you so much daddy and I just want you here with me

I just want to sit beside you and tell you about my life like I do mama

I want you to give me advice and tell me it’s going to be okay

That life sucks sometimes just have to keep your head up

Why couldn’t you walk me down the aisle when I got married?

I know I’m not five daddy and it didn’t happen yesterday

March 5, 2018 will mark 16 years you’ve been gone

And

It still doesn’t seem real to me

I should be over it now right?

It’s been 16 years I shouldn’t feel this pain right?

Well I’m not

I just want you here and I’m still mad that you were taken away from me it’s not fair

Everyone tries to justify it and say it was god's plan

Well I don’t like that answer and I know there's nothing I could do because if there was you would still be here

It wasn’t your time daddy he shouldn’t have taken you

You have children who needed you

I needed you

I need you

You were to young

I want you here

Why did you have to leave me?

Everyone else goes on and pretends like it doesn’t bother them like I do

But

I’m still hurting inside and that will never change

I don’t want to have to go to your grave

I want to be able to go to your house and talk to you and give you a hug and kiss

I want to be able to take your grandchildren and daughter in law to your house

I’m still mad and upset and that will never change

No matter what anyone says or however anyone tries to justify it I’m still not satisfied by their answer

It’s still now fair

I’ve looked for so many answers but none of them helped

I miss you so much daddy

I don’t care what anyone says

It’s not fair and it will never be.

Bye daddy