The Persona of Me and You

I feel that I am always trying to prove something. My worth, my loyalty, who I am truly on the inside instead of just showing you bits of me. Because it’s always bothered me knowing that someone sees this person that I’m not. Or maybe I could be, but what they see I see differently and that will always come to bother me. That’s why I’m so absolutely vulnerable, that’s why I’m so ready to open up my soul for you and have you walk through my world seeing what I see daily.

And maybe that scares you, but it scares me, too. Because vulnerability somehow always pushes someone away. Whether it be too much or too little, a certain level of it can be too extreme. And I’m sorry that I want to read you like a book and you do the same with me, but god I am dying for a connection. God I am dying for absolute intimacy. Not romantically, but emotionally and platonically to the point where we could melt into each other and have our thoughts just be.

This thought happens to be so comforting, but see, I’m so scared of letting you know who I am because maybe you’ll use it against me. Hang it over my head to amuse your own opinions and self-righteous victory, and look, I get it, but the world I see is one where we can walk through fields of opinions and not whack down each other’s trees.

I wish that the world was leveled equally. Where we could just speak and not get so angry. Emotions take so much control over us and god I apologize for every second that it’s made you feel completely shitty for just living your own truth and reality. Because we all have a story, we just have to be understanding.

Vulnerability holds hands with empathy. A bond that joins different parties into equal categories of beautiful minded beings. I’m so tired of the mask, the character. The whole act is choking me, and sometimes, I bet it chokes you, too. Change, development, old and new characters you hang up in and take out of your closet everyday trying to decide “who am I?” because really, I want this vulnerability. This beautiful utopia of knowing and being while just breathing, but change is an inevitable luxury that twists and confuses me on who I’m supposed to be, and who you’re supposed to see, and what we’ll become if I’m a whole new me. Is that what you want to see?

I’m tired, and I don’t know where any of this is taking me, but the loop is creating this exhaustion and anger inside of me. None of what I am makes sense to me. All I want is to be able to breathe peacefully.