The One Thing I'm Not Telling You Today

sometimes I think I’m better off as a liar

like that time I told a boy I loved him

what I should’ve said instead is

I don’t know you

you are like a stranger to me

I don’t want your company

it is troublesome

your eyes are so dull they make me want

to cry tears of boredom

I’ve become so comfortable in the dark

I don’t need your light

I am a recluse

and I enjoy being this way

your love will only get in the way of my growth

you are like the long-awaited rain people

in droughts have needed their whole lives

yet now that you are here

all you cause is too much flooding

I shouldn’t have told him that he

made my heart feel warm and that talking

to him was as easy as breathing

I understand my place as the enemy

of my heart. I never protect you

I always cast you aside for the sake of others

I purposefully place you in danger

I see the red flags and I only speed up

going to them

heart, I am sorry

you have endured too much abuse from me

I have given you away as if you were nothing

because of the sorrow I found you in

I thought you needed his warmth

I mistook him for a space heater when he was

fire. I know you hate getting burned but

I am too clumsy and messy when it comes to

emotions. I cannot fall in love instead I stumble

and trip into it

and then I wonder why others hurt me

as if I weren’t lying there on the ground already,

bleeding to death

what did I expect

my roots became loose underneath me

and I lost touch with everything that kept me

grounded. I found myself floating in

a black hole of missing people like they had

runaway when they were always right by my side

sometimes I think I am better off as a liar

I should’ve told him that his love would

only get in the way of my growth,

I should have told him I have always been more than

enough for myself

I should have lied