The Night We Fell Apart

I remember the night we fell apart

The vapid expression

The harsh shadows that crept in the creases on your skin

I remember staring into the same pair of eyes I had lovingly memorized

I could recite the curve of every lash

And swirl of every colour swimming in them

I had admired your eyes for so long that

They were almost a part of me

So imagine my surprise when I couldn't recognize them at all

The boy I once loved was missing

A stranger sat in your stead

Staring into nothing as if it were staring back

Bleak

Hollow

Unloving

And you know,

I remember how peculiarly calm I felt

Just as I knew it was crumbling

It was the same state of eerie, unsettling calm as the eye of a storm

The breed of calm that lives in killers

And to think

How many times did I tremble and weep for us?

I can hardly keep count

How many times did I fold into my hands

Just as a war erupted inside me?

As I inhaled what should have been air

But felt like ash

Just as the finalizing words fell from our mouths

In those last few minutes of togetherness

I felt

Absolutely

Utterly

Nothing

So I opted to sleep in the bed with you anyway

Thinking it wouldn't matter

But it did.

I dreamt that we were elated that night

That suddenly the world made sense again

I dreamt of smiles and laughter and tangled skin

The way you spoke to me like I was your single greatest joy

I felt alive and grateful to have it all back

That is, until my eyes slit open to darkness

And I leered across the bed

Half expecting to see you blissfully asleep with your arms outstretched

Welcoming me as always

I guess I had been numb for so long that the jolt of sadness stunned me

I noticed a gap between us

Who knew such a tiny sliver of space could inflict such

Monumental pain

There was only the buzz of a computer

In an otherwise still room

But that fucking gap screeched

I was subdued in its grip

It screamed agonizingly as I watched your side rise

And fall

And rise again

You lay there soundlessly

Hard as stone with your back turned

Closed off like daunting chamber doors

And to absorb a reality like that

Just as I was laughing with your image not even moments ago

Man

Oh man

There is nothing in this world

That could have prepared me for that moment