The Moments Leading up to This

The only thing that can distract me

Are the moments leading up to this

When earlier just that morning

We sat in your car,

Drinking iced coffee and eating cheap breakfast sandwiches,

You holding my hands

After the ice had reached through the clear plastic to chill the tips of my fingers

You held my hands now,

Trying to get me to look up at you

When the night before

You had gotten take out

Said the snow was too bad for us to drive in

So we sat criss crossed on the couch

Watching endless movies

Eating slightly cold food out of cardboard

And drinking wine out of plastic glasses

Your knee resting against mine

And not moving until I settled my head against your shoulder and fell asleep

I fold my body into yours

Still looking down at my hands

I feel your chin rest on my head

Back to when you had shown up

Too late for anyone but the glow of those interstate lights to be on the roads

I was so nervous about seeing you again

That when I had to get you up the elevator, I could barely bring myself to the door.

You yelled at me for being irresponsible

And put me to bed,

A glass of water and tylenol lined up for duty on my desk in the morning.

You still let me grieve now,

Deep within my own thoughts

Where I have pulled

The older versions of you

Out to the same place

Where I have strangled the happy memories to a dull gray

From holding them too tightly.

And in this moment,

I’m not ready to face the present

It’s deceiving grin waiting to be answered

So I fall back into the past

Where I know I will be comforted

With your old open arms.