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The only thing that can distract me
Are the moments leading up to this
When earlier just that morning
We sat in your car,
Drinking iced coffee and eating cheap breakfast sandwiches,
You holding my hands
After the ice had reached through the clear plastic to chill the tips of my fingers
You held my hands now,
Trying to get me to look up at you
When the night before
You had gotten take out
Said the snow was too bad for us to drive in
So we sat criss crossed on the couch
Watching endless movies
Eating slightly cold food out of cardboard
And drinking wine out of plastic glasses
Your knee resting against mine
And not moving until I settled my head against your shoulder and fell asleep
I fold my body into yours
Still looking down at my hands
I feel your chin rest on my head
Back to when you had shown up
Too late for anyone but the glow of those interstate lights to be on the roads
I was so nervous about seeing you again
That when I had to get you up the elevator, I could barely bring myself to the door.
You yelled at me for being irresponsible
And put me to bed,
A glass of water and tylenol lined up for duty on my desk in the morning.
You still let me grieve now,
Deep within my own thoughts
Where I have pulled
The older versions of you
Out to the same place
Where I have strangled the happy memories to a dull gray
From holding them too tightly.
And in this moment,
I’m not ready to face the present
It’s deceiving grin waiting to be answered
So I fall back into the past
Where I know I will be comforted
With your old open arms.