The Mildew of Guilt
A Poem by Anarda Nashai
too many things have happened
lots of them have fallen
they are shorter, and they have swollen
they have taken my chosen
and apt commitment for wine-tasting
—and there goes my fun-loving sweet tooth
—my grand marksmanship for throwing out
the bad sweets so that I may keep the sweeter ones
in a room full of all these
my favorite "cheek-fillings"
i'm sure that I will forever, and with no hesitation
faithfully follow my own bold, hand-drawn signs
that point to things that I've earned
and am now deemed to deserve:
a gummy cheese tray that collects condensation—
no seeded, hairy fruits to elect—
no leafy, stalk-bed ornaments—
NONE.
(c) Anarda Nashai
September 2008
About the Creator
Anarda Nashai
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Interviews with a Big Black Broad: Sessions #7
Interviewer: When did you began to seek professional help to treat your BDD? BBB: I'm sure it's not surprising that I was reluctant. I was complacent in dealing with my issues on my own up 'til the age of 28. I hid from mirrors. I would dwell in front of mirrors. I took down mirrors. I put them back up. I spent all my money on food, alcohol, makeup, hair products and expensive girdles of all kinds. I hid from the world for days and weeks on end. I drank to endure those moments when I gave in to the mounting pressures I felt to rejoin the world even when I felt the worst about myself. The annoyance of having to deal with a disorder that caused me to focus so much on myself had also taken its toll on me. I wasn't a purposefully vain person. I wasn't someone who would choose to be so self-consumed. I wanted to travel the world. I loved people and wanted to meet more of them from all walks of life. I didn't want to assume that everyone who stared at me only did so because they saw someone ugly. I needed the courage to live the life I ultimately wanted. How could I live any longer without being able to face myself in the mirror? Without being able to leave my house without being inebriated in some way? So, I faced the fact that I would remain stuck in the same positions in my life (literally) if I didn't at least try professional help.
By Anarda Nashai6 years ago in Psyche
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