The Loneliest Want and the Loving Need

You as in I

Say I love you

I love you to a man until your mouth is dry

But even in a relationship it takes two

This is when you hear that oh so familiar sigh

The sigh that wants to stay for all the right reasons

But knows the need isn't there, so once again you cry

It's not as if you told him you loved him and really meant it

Rather to show a sort of dependence

The type you thought was real

However, only used in a rough season

It's as if in a book you write a sentence through the habit of want

Instead of thumbing through chapter after chapter to distinguish want from need

After a while, you decide it doesn't matter

Allowing loneliness to take control

To act on the dependence of vulnerability rather than sit and feel it

Even though deep down in your soul you know that in the end this won't last

It's because you're used to what happens over and over; haunting you from your past

Now I ask you as in I

Is this a dependence of a loneliest want

Or is this a loving need

Just because it feels right

Doesn't mean it is

I tell you as in I; child you're gonna be just fine

Even if they all tell you how worthless I am

Because together you and I child; we're fearless

Step 1: Honeymoon Stage - Codependent Relationship

I wrote this poem while dealing with some relationship demons myself. To be honest, I had just read Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur. It was such an amazing book to where I felt compelled to give it an honorable mention. According to Rupi, there are four stages of trauma/recovery, "The Hurting, The Loving, The Breaking, and The Healing." These are the names of all four of the chapters within her book of amazingly beautiful poetry. (If you've never heard of her or haven't read her books; I recommend this one)!

The honeymoon stage of the relationship is more or less like a friendship. This is where some feel compelled to share their story early; while others keep it bottled up until the more serious stages. Before we continue, I do want to bring to light I've recently gotten out of a one-week relationship and it was tough. Nonetheless, I wouldn't have had it any other way because that one week relationship taught me more than any other relationship I've ever been in.

Step Two: Conflict Stage - Codependent Relationship

When the conflict stage comes to play, both partners rear their ugly heads that have been in check to not hurt each other during the Honeymoon Stage. It can often times make both parties feel they're under arrest by their convictions towards each other. Within a codependent relationship, this can feel like one is being attacked by the other. Unfortunately, sometimes this can end in a breakup that wasn't planned on or in other words both partners were planning on how to spend the rest of their lives together—so to speak.

Step 3: The Break Up - Codependent Relationships

After understanding there's no changing what happened during the Conflict Stage; in other words, no growth was experienced—then a break up is bound to happen. The picture says it all; both parties usually don't want to; however, understand that they have to in order to avoid bitterness. To be honest from my experience, I cried for two hours straight with the guy I was seeing on the floor who was also torn and broken.

Step 4: The Healing/Self-Love Stage - Codependent Relationship

It took me almost a week to realize we were both broken and this is what our relationship was based off of. This isn't healthy and is defined as a codependent relationship. From this I have come to the conclusion: the majority of human nature gets into a relationship because they feel the need to want to be loved. Whether this means they got into a relationship because they were vulnerable, dependent, and/or lonely. Or they wanted a true relationship so it was forced to happen. Either way, they are both the true definition of being a codependent. I'm a codependent and I'm not afraid to admit it. These are the lessons I've learned in which taught me how to thrive without having a relationship and being able to sit and feel my vulnerability.

With that said; I think I'm going to allow Rupi Kaur to have her last word, "this is the journey of surviving through poetry this is the blood sweat tears of twenty-one years this is my heart in your hands this is the hurting the loving the breaking the healing."

P.S. Codependency is learned. - Codependent Relationships

That's right! Codependency is a learned behavior and we have the opportunity to fix as well as correct these behaviors. To give a small portion of my background so that you might understand what I'm referring to may or may not be helpful (We'll see...).

Growing up my parents were super passive-aggressive people. In fact my father was the presence of domestic violence within the home. My mother soon divorced and became an alcoholic/addict. I was neglected by my father and would soon be placed in the custody of my grandparents. My grandparents are considered the most tall tale codependent relationship I've ever known. Such that my grandmother is a codependent to my alcoholic grandfather... The good news that comes from this is that it's reversible and fixable.

The number one way to recognize behavioral patterns is to look at how the people you have grown up with have reacted in a way that defines a codependent role. If you find yourself in a similar situation or the behavior is somewhat related; you can stop it in it's tracks. This is by understanding what it's like to be vulnerable and to be able to feel it but not act upon it. This is also understanding that impulse and manipulation are not key towards moving past these trials. I hope I've been some sort of healing/help to you.