The Issue

I just don’t understand

Why sometimes yes means no. Why go away means come here. Why leave me alone means to stay.

I try to be honest and a good person only to meet dissatisfaction I’ve come to know so well like the hole I’ve been stuck in for so long People ask if I live under a rock but I’m up and about in the world! You just refuse to talk And it’s tiring memorizing all of your ridiculous rituals when the type of code you’re using is a language I can’t use So I keep writing words and spitting stories out for y’all to criticize without a trace of doubt You say

“Have confidence”

Okay.

“Be obedient”

You got it.

“Tell the truth”

No problem.

“And be nice”

Of course.

“We don’t like you.”

Wait, Why?

I executed every order you ever gave me and my mouth is sore from smiling with false glee I’m so sick and tired of all the lies and delusions from the people around me making promises that are empty so I will eliminate my own problems and increase my efficiency I will graph out a reasonable projection for the future and once my plan comes through my life will be easy A new scenario and new skills is what I will aim to acquire But when the plan unfolds the same problems follow suit. I find new friends and the same issues follow through Unlike all the amazing people I admire Look

I’m here.

I’m ready.

I’m willing.

Now let’s begin.

We can do whatever you want as long as we both can win so Why is it so hard to do what you say instead of dragging your feet Why say we should work together if you never want to meet Why do you think I’ll buy that your uncle died and your friend needed help every single week Why not tell me what’s real so I can escape the Hell of not knowing Because all of your lying is making me confused Seeing black instead of blue and red and white unsure about what is right and when to lie and when’s the time to end a fight It’s all so unlike what I was told all my life to believe in and trust in and

Am I losing it?

Am I the one to blame?

Am I the issue that needs to go away?

But all I do is be myself and be met with constant rejection and nonacceptance and a demand for conformity and normalcy when all I want is some companionship. Or even a basic ear or Oh, I don’t know. Something. or someone who actually tells the truth and means it. Or a person who can hear what I have to say

Someone who will finally listen Be it any other way I don’t care if you like what I have to say but is it too much to ask for some acknowledgment that I exist? I do exist, though I must admit reality doesn’t sit too well with me because when I speak normal people tend to shriek out some slurs or a hastily made attack about my need to disrespect but hold on a second I didn’t finish yet. I didn’t say what you say I said otherwise I would admit your right to object and distance yourself from a mind filled with regret and constant reminders that he’d rather forget the pain and the torture of being alone inside a crowd or having to drown out the silence of mediocrity with exuberant joy or exaggerated glee and a life filled with hyperactivity when all he wants to do is get one good night of sleep and wake up to the shining sun on a beautiful afternoon on a given day or any time that he can spend his time enjoying life instead of working for a better life because the life I’m living now will only go down

There must be a way for these tears to stop falling.

There must be a way to solve all of my problems.

There must be a way to climb out of this darkness.

There must be a way to end my pain without dying!

There must be a way! There must be a way.

There must be a way.

So I won’t be concerned by my words for my fate or for my sake I’ve accepted the date I will retire when death arrives at my door I will not run and the nothingness I leave behind