The Guilt Eats Me

The aromas lure me into the kitchen

My stomach rumbles with anticipation when I see the ingredients I crave

Then I’m asked how much I want on my plate

The kitchen that used to feel like home to me is scary now

Everything gets dark in my mind

My appetite sends mixed signals

I look at the home cooked meal in disgust

Not toward the flavors or smells

But toward the calories… and myself

For having natural instincts to consume the nutrients my body needs

Because I

With my bulging belly

And second chin

And fat stored on my back,

Don’t deserve it

I obviously overate in the past, right?

Why else would I be so big?

My thoughts call me names,

“Lazy pig”

So I reply, finally,

After the battle in my head

“I’m not hungry. I’m going to bed.”

I grab a glass and fill it with water to

Drown my stomach ‘til it no longer growls,

Think about all the calories I just avoided,

And fantasize about my future skinnier body

That I tell myself I’ll love

And I’ll be able to feed that body

With no guilt on my shoulders.

Joke’s on me,

With the mindset I’m in

I can never win.