The Effects of What People Can Give

I'll try to get through today, I'll try my absolute best to survive the day

However, I have a feeling that I'll buckle under the weights that are tethered to my hip, one called fear, fear of thinking about school or just the thought of someone seeing me even if I'm in the ”safety” of my house,

The other disappointment, the disappointment of those who I was close with turning their backs and blocking me out just ”cuz”.

”I'm fine,” I say to everyone, but..no..i'm not... I'm far from it. I keep a straight face in front of other to avoid the spotlight from others but secretly I want to shout, cry and punch things

I'm not tired I'm just exhausted, constantly having to block out the words of the beast they call hypervigilance,

This hypervigilance never sleeps. It waits for me to open my eyes in the morning, to only feed me unnecessary panic that deep down I know I don't need but yet it's there.

Even when I'm just letting the dog out the back garden the beast waits for the second I start to gather a centimetre of confidence and she waits to barge in with ”what if that person that threatened you comes through the back gate trying to kill you ”

or I could be doing something that I used to love doing, like going to the woods for a run with my dog but once again she'll run beside me with a demonic grin and utter the sentence ”did you hear that? maybe that's a group of people who hate you that are hunting you down to torture you”

Then the anxiety suffocates me until I feel like I'm breathing my last breath. so now I've barricaded myself in and blocked everyone out

So yeah when I say I'm fine I'm not, I'm locking myself in my house, I'm not eating well, I'm putting myself down by thinking I'm a walking target, and the sound of a pin dropping makes me jump,

so now I’ve reverted back to no confidence, the world is a shit show but it's those who live on it that make it unbearable to live in

Now I remain caught in a spider's web unable to move or make a noise in fear of being bitten by those red stained fangs