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The Day I Realized That My Life Had No Inherent Meaning

Spoiler Alert, It Sucked

By Bea JaymesPublished 6 years ago 2 min read
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There is no God.

I had decided the week before

But it was not until that night that the implications truly made themselves known

There is no God, there is no heaven then when I die there is nothing

I am not here for any particular reason, my life has no meaning beyond my mere existence

And what if I do not exist?

I’m lying in my bed, petrified that my entire life will fall away into an abyss of black oblivion if I so much as move

My feet are on the floor, it’s cold.

I’m terrified that if I close my eyes I’ll be dead and then that’s it and I’m gone, Oh God I only have one life that’s not enough time.

I overload my senses.

Turn on the lights, turn on the radio, pinch myself a gain and again and again and again and again and again

I have to stay grounded

I have to stay in this world

My family are all going to die

Or what if they’re already dead, what if they died in the night and I don’t know yet

I need to check

No but what if I open my door and it’s just black and I fall into nothingness

I need to sleep, I have school tommorow

But what’s the point of going to school, I have no idea when I’ll die, why should I waste my time sitting in a desk

I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die

I don’t want to die

I want to die

Everybody dies

I don’t want them to die

I cry myself half to sleep

The day after I realized my life had no inherent meaning.

My life still has no meaning

But least I don’t fall into a black nothingness when I opened my bedroom door

But the sun is still shining, the air is still crisp and cold, the wind still rattles my window pane

The trees are still there and their leaves are still changing

I suppose that they too are dying, in a way

We all are

But slowly

Everything is

The Universe included

Myself included

My family hasn’t died in the night, life is normal for them

Their world’s are still intact

They have not had a crushing realization last night

And If I try to talk to them, as much as they love me, they will not understand, so nothing has changed there either

And my sister is still my sister and she still refuses to walk to school with me and my best friend who is still my best friend

Who still laughs with me on the way to school

The road is still paved and the potholes are in exactly the same places as they were yesterday

And school is still a drag except when it isn’t

And my math teacher is still the bane of my existence

And my history teacher still thinks I need to “apply myself”

And my drama teacher still thinks I’m doing just fine

And the Universe is still chaotic, but still constant

And the world is still beautiful despite the fact that God is dead

And music still sounds as sweet

And there is floaty beardy man sitting in a cloud judging my every action

And I am Free

surreal poetry
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About the Creator

Bea Jaymes

I think I'm here to tell you who I am///personal essays

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