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The Catalyst

Love, Loss, and Lies

By Camden WawroPublished 5 years ago 2 min read
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I've never been kissed.

Actually, that's a lie

But so were the kisses.

You could pour vinegar down my throat and tell me that's what love tasted like

And I'd probably believe you

Because I don't know the difference between a kiss and a practical joke.

I'd choke

But I'd just smile because I see stars that aren't there.

I am a pretender.

I smear my face with glitter and paint so I can sing about things I don't understand.

I store my manufactured feelings in glass containers on a shelf in my heart.

I'm too smart

To tangle myself in real emotions

But boy am I addicted to the other stuff.

My strength

Is in hiding my fragility

This ability

That I've developed,

Keeping from being touched.

But pretenders have to make contact with each other,

Take down the little bottle labeled "love."

I've done it before, so I know

The chemical isn't potent without a catalyst,

So even though my feet were on a stage when his lips touched mine

It was different.

For the first time, everything I never believed in was holding me in its arms

Kissing my forehead

Spinning me around

And I was goner

The minute he said he wouldn't let me fall.

Now I lie awake and curse us both night after night,

Him for making me believe

And me for letting him.

It was almost like losing a lover,

Except that A) he was never mine

And B) He never left,

I just turned invisible

So I showed him every scar he left on me,

All the pieces he touched,

Turning to red and burning to black.

I wanted to see the reflection of him splintering and cracking in the broken fragments of my own heart.

It hurt. I know it did.

I want to make everything okay,

But how can I when I can't fall asleep without being haunted by how safe I felt in his arms

How cold I feel on my own.

I never used to mind being alone.

Now I can't remember how to breathe.

When you love something, it doesn't change shape to fit your heart,

Your heart grows to make room.

When it's gone, it leaves a big empty space

And all you can hear are the echoes of everything he said that sounded like a promise

I've never been in love

Actually, that's a lie

But so was he.

heartbreak
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About the Creator

Camden Wawro

student, artist, LDS, trying my best

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