The Burning Truth

So many feelings, anger, hate and fear.

These are all wrapped up in my confusion of my past and the key to my future.

Man how I want to be in front of you sometimes just so you feel what I feel and really hear.

I live with the pain of back handed slaps.

The fear of falling and not getting up again, questioning if I care.

You looked at me in my eyes with disgust and all that crap.

What made you that way I wondered even in my childish mind.

How can you hate me so? How can you hurt me if you love me?

I was so young when I searched for the answers and scared of what I might find.

I live with the reality of what your whippings did to me.

How is it ok to use a willow tree switch on a 7 year old child?

Man how I feared you, cringed whenever I had to look at that hatred and really see.

The words you said hurt worse than the physical pain.

Can you justify the words you said? The stupids, the dumbs, the fat and the ugly.

How I wanted you to feel that pain for so long, to give you the words that would forever stain.

I live with my past, up front and in my face.

Because I can't run from it, I can't hide from it. I live and breathe it every day of my life.

Some day, I swear it, you will find your place.

For you will get what is coming to you, from someone, somewhere...you'll get it.

Even though I know in my heart I shouldn't feel this way, I'll be glad.

See? Can you see that? This is how fucked up you made me. Aren't you sorry a little bit?

I live with my demons. The PTSD the depression, the disorders from hell.

I blame you for some of them, I blame you for the hatred that flows through my veins.

You are the reason I stood inside myself, looking to the outside world from inside my little shell.

Did you know the thoughts my mind took me on as I got older? The very real fear of myself even then.

Ha. You don't see it do you? I want to see you cringe and cower as you did unto me. The one time I stood over you as you slept, wanting to hurt you as you hurt me.

Oh how I wished the pain would go away, the question was when?

I live with the sadness of the child inside of me, who struggles to understand why I ever had love for the father you tried to be at times.

Fuck how can I justify how you tried to love me? How in some ways I wonder if you did, even in your fucked up mind.

I want to let go of this, and I can't. I want you to hurt in pain and sorrow, for you to pay for your crimes.

They say forgive you for myself, to heal and let go. I can't I'm not there yet.

I try to be strong as I work every day to break the cycle. I'm doing it despite you. To even spite you.

Because I know I'm a damn good mama. You never expected that I'm sure, something I'd even bet.

I live with the pride of knowing I'm more than you expected me to be.

I've gotten an education in spite of you. I've raised a family in spite of you.

I've proven you wrong, done everything opposite of you and set away from you. To be free.

You can never hurt me again, I banish you from ever having that power over me again.

I will struggle with my last breath to make sense of the pain you did cause, the power you once had. I'll face my demons, one at a time.

I'm going to do it, to spite you. It is my resolve that won't bend.

I live with the hate. I said it, I hate you. I hate the pain that was caused at the hands of you.

Someday I will forgive, but I will never forget. Maybe part of me is thankful, because it has made me strong.

I'm going to be stronger, I will live my life, even it means living with the hate too.

Some day, some day, it will all come back to you. you will find the pain just as I do.

You will regret it, and search for redemption, but will it be too late? Who knows....

The only thing I can say is someday I hope what ever higher power is out there can forgive me for the hatred I feel. Because you can never hurt me again, I'll never feel the pain at the hands of you