TBH

The truth is...

I'm tired of missing you.

I'm tired of feeling happy one minute then depressed the next.

I'm tired of wishing you were still here

To laugh both with, and at me.

To cry with me.

To argue with me.

My memories of you are like everlasting ghosts that haunt me.

They terrify me.

When I think about you I can't stop the tears from filling my eyes.

You use to be the person I turned to when I was feeling upset.

You'd talk sense into me whenever my spur of the moment ideas took a wrong turn.

It seemed like you always knew what to do or say.

Now I'm lost and while I know I'm not alone in this I can't help but feel so at times.

I wish that things had played out differently.

That's another thing I'm sick of.

Wishing...

Wishing you were still here.

Wishing you never got sick in the first place.

Wishing I was there for you more then I was.

Wishing I spent more time with you.

Wishing that I could have reassured you that everything was gonna be okay.

Wishing that it actually was.

As it turns out, wishing, is just as bad as remembering.

Don't get me wrong.

I don't want to forget you.

I still love you.

I'll probably never stop.

It's just...

It hurts.

When I remember your smile.

The way you laughed.

How much you loved to travel.

How much you hated seeing me upset.

I remember coming home sometimes after a really bad day at school and I'd start crying... and you'd start crying too.

I also remember how much you loved to cook.

How you hated comedies.

How scared you were when they found that tumor.

You were so scared.

To be honest I was too.

I remember how you'd cry yourself to sleep when you thought you were alone.

I remember how you tried staying strong around everyone but me.

How I'd run my hand through your hair like you use to do for me.

I remember when you took my brother and I to the amusement park.

We had so much fun.

Even though you were terrified of heights.

Then I remember that all the things we did together...

We'll never do again...

Knowing that hurts.

Missing you hurts.

You've been gone for almost six months now.

People say that in time everything will fall back in place.

That the volatile emptiness I've been feeling will fade into nothing more than a dull ache.

I can't imagine it ever feeling better.

The more that time passes the more it becomes real.

Your birthday passed a couple of months ago.

I was the only one who noticed and I spent the entire day wishing I hadn't.

I want to honour you.

To make you proud.

I wish I knew how but I don't.

Instead, I'll become someone that I'm proud of in hopes that you'd approve.

Its the only thing I feel I can do.

In between all the wishing and remembering.

That being said, I hope you rest in peace...

Mom