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Tasting Despair

A Collection of Poetry, Rambling, Etc.

By C. K. AdamsPublished 6 years ago 34 min read
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A piece I created recently, seemed fitting.

I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, ADHD, Binge-Eating Disorder, and back and forth, Bulimia and Anorexia. I'm also an alcoholic.

Pain-Full

The shame in her avoiding eyes

She cannot meet my gaze

It’s she who brought this on us

But I’m the one that pays

I glare at my reflection

Disgusted by the sight

But in this war, I’ve lost the will

To try to win the fight

She laughs but we are empty

The sound is bleak and cruel

I replace the mask I wear

Pretend I’m not the fool

Show them all the actress

She’s charismatic, tough

A leader, much at ease with life

For to her, this life’s enough

I tell them all that I’ve got plans

I’ll be something someday

They eat it up, believe the lies

They all believe I’ll stay

It’s something they will never get

They’ll never realize

They can’t see the real threats

The one behind my eyes

I can’t seem to bring myself

To care enough to try

This sickness may be killing me

But I would love to die

I have no feeling left inside

I don’t have any dreams

There’s nowhere left for me to hide

I’m dreaming every night now

of an end to what I feel

I’m running out of anchors

and my wounds decline to heal

I’m fraying at the seams

I can’t show them who I am

The beast inside my head

She knows that I don’t give a damn

Though she’ll fight to be fed

I’ve got not hope to hold to

for despair is always looming

Why should I think to spare them pain

when mine is all-consuming

They say it would destroy their hearts

if I were to give in

I’ve got to tell you, this excuse

is starting to wear thin

I know that I am broken

This truth was always mine

Why do you fight to keep me here

When all I’ve left is time…

Purge

Consumed by the urge

There’s no room for your words

There’s no room for my thoughts

For rhyme or for reason

Time is immaterial

Comes and goes in waves

Consummating this consumption

Hatred for my weak and worthless

Body, mind, the lack of will

Everyone can see what you have done

The cold is everywhere

Penetrating to the deepest layer

I shiver as I find

That only hell was left behind

Couldn’t satisfy

Couldn’t satiate

Maybe it’ll work next time,

You’ll just have to wait

But it never works, you’re never whole

The hole will only grow and grow

In the end you’ll wonder why

But all the debt was only mine

Gravity

Madness is like gravity

You’re pushing me, stop pushing me

I’m closer to the edge than you can see

And if I take a wrong step now

I know that I will fall

And I can’t see the bottom of the hole that I’ve been digging

With every word I’d say

I killed another day

That I could have had with you

I’m losing touch with reality

I grasp for my sanity

But my hold is unsteady

I slipped away from the real world

And into my dreams I curled

Fighting to protect my weakened heart

They’re full of words that don’t say anything

Feel the rage and see the reddening

I couldn’t stop myself from falling mad

Wish I could’ve understood what I never had

I’m losing touch with reality

I grasp for my sanity

But my hold is unsteady

And I don’t know how much longer I can hold on

I’ll run away from the hurt I feel

When I can tell you what’s real

Like where we really are

Does it really matter now

I’m lost in these vague events

And there’s no map to point the way

I’d follow if I found evidence

That what I’m chasing now

could lead me where I need to go

But I’m heading towards the edge now

You’re waiting where I left you far behind

And if I feel you next to me

I know that it’s a lie

But it’s truer than any other thing I see

I’m losing touch with reality

I grasp for my sanity

But my hold is unsteady

And I don’t know how much longer I can hold on

I’ll find a way back to you someday

And I’ll know just what I should say

And it won’t matter to me

If nothing here is real

Because my hands are slipping anyway

Decaying

They put me away in the fall

And by autumn next year

I still wasn’t here

I tried to escape from it all

But they dragged me back kicking and screaming

I’m not getting better

I’m simply decaying

Don’t follow to the letter

The instructions she gave

I’m not getting better

Despite what they told you

I’m stubbornly heading

The same way I came

I’d sleep all day long if I could

To hide from the truths

I accrued in my youth

If I could unlearn them I would

I can’t tell what I’m trying to tell you

I’m not getting better

I’m simply decaying

Don’t follow to the letter

The instructions she gave

I’m not getting better

Despite what they told you

I’m stubbornly heading

The same way I came

I’ll dream of a life I could love

Where all of my pain’s

Washed away when it rains

By now I’ve had more than enough

If this is my life

I don’t want any part of it

I’m not getting better

I’m quickly decaying

I wrote you a letter

That made clear my point

I’m not any better

Despite what they told you

I’m stubbornly heading

The same way I came

I’m still stubbornly headed

The same way I came

Chaotic

In the wasteland we’re forgotten memories but I could not distinguish what was real enough to fool them into thinking it was safe to let me out it’s far too crowded around to stop me from escaping this place suffocating me I can’t catch my breath I’m too far gone to see that they are not the enemy is in my head is splitting up to search the woods for traces that I left behind me I can hear the rescue dogs but they can’t save me from my selfish need to leave the world is pulsing to the beating of my heart is broken pieces that don’t fit where they’re supposed to tell me I will be ok if I just give it time will heal all wounds they say but sickness doesn’t fade into the sound of headphones drowning out my absent minded rambling gibberish scrambling to find me before I succeed and I never planned to hurt anyone but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t avoid causing pain to the people who care about me were scared for my sanity was in question their motives were pure but my soul was blackened and filthy don’t touch me I won’t let it spread to anyone passing by never stopping to notice the damage was done and the bones healed wrong and you’d have to break me to save me so do it already I can’t just keep waiting for things to change your opinion was altered by what you experienced wasn’t uncommon but that doesn’t make it ok that it happens to everyone goes through this phase and this too shall pass but it’s going in circles around me they caught me I fought and I begged them to free me but they held on tightly convinced they could help me through whatever trauma I was suffering at their hands were drenched in my blood as they applied pressure to limit the loss of interest in the book I was reading couldn’t distract me long enough to strap me down but that only caused a fresh wave of panic to rise in me threatened to render me mindlessly screaming anxiety filling me with doubts about the route instructions said to stay in the lane was ending I merged into oncoming traffic they swerved with their horns blaring sirens were scaring me so I stood frozen a deer in the headlights flashed and I turned my back on the people I loved when they asked me to count back from ten as the drugs took effect and I drifted away on the tide was relentlessly dragging me under the covers I hid from their words kept repeating inside of my headstrong impulsive decisions to run from my problems persisted refusing to grant me respite and despite this I could not deny what I knew in my heart that it couldn’t be truth isn’t relative to reference books they won’t let you check out the dangerous patterns of thought you would be there but you couldn’t see that I’d give up everything I ever knew to not have this black hole inside of my sole intent was to give up cigarette smoke wafting lazily up to this point I had no hope is self-destructive habit forms to fill out while you’re in the waiting room was bleak and uninvited comments on the state of events that played outside the fence was too high to climb but If I am determined then no one can stop me from what I have got to be strong for you when you need me I’ll come but don’t fool yourself into trusting that I won’t be dreaming of what I decided that it wasn’t worth all the effort I put into making them think that I wouldn’t attempt it the first chance I get when their backs are turned for a moment I really thought that it wouldn’t come to a fork in the road where you’ll figure out which direction I was led to believe that things would get better but then worsened the weather and whether or not it was snowing or reigning over the subjected to their speculation.

I flinched away from your touch and I saw the hurt in your eyes from rejection but I only meant to prevent you from being infected don’t touch me I can’t bear the thought of contact with your skin on mine is filthy dirtied by the blackness in my heart contaminated by my hatred and my random anger raging blindly screaming anxiety panicked sobriety will you stop to consider the outcome on sweetheart I need you to breathe for me steady your poor fragile nerves shaking hands get a grip on reality wasn’t as firm as it should have been and now I’m fighting to put up my walls to keep hidden my plan to attempt and I made the incision my blood flowing freely admitted my guilt and my shame won’t last forever someday I’ll get over it and that day will be marked by the people who care if I live or I die today will it really matter I’m one out of thousands not awfully important I’m no inventor or doctor or teacher I don’t make a difference I can be replaced and there are few who would notice so why should I bother to fight through the days that drag me through hell full of pain and despair never ending it seems as I fail to sleep through the nights so much darker than I ever remembered and this is turning out of what I meant it to be…

Sitting not so steady ever ready for the changes we don’t want to have to need to make this time count for more than you had bargained for but what you see is what you get me now and then we make exceptions for the circumstances don’t allow for human nature horrifies me sleep denies me compromise we won’t agree on anything but we’ll still have to choose one way or another any other time I’d do it for myself but I need help just this once so don’t get used to this and that let’s sit and chat about nothing that really matters any more but we’ll explore the possibilities were endless needless heed this warning I won’t stick around forever waiting for you I’ll ignore you that’s a lie I’ll stay until you figure out what you’re wanting for you’re yearning for and I won’t tell you what’s in store for you I’d wait for you I’d fight for you I’d kill and I would die for you just ask me to you’ll see it’s true no matter what I’ll be there for you…

Now and then we still pretend that I’m not damaged by the sudden change in your affection used to keep me together they hold me down whether the weather would worsen I’ll still be determined to carry out plans I’ve been dreaming of dying more often and off then we’ll go to some far off fantasy where you hope they’ll help me you’re desperate to pull me out of my misery before it’s too late to stop me I told you already and now will you turn me into a zombie cos you’d have to break me to save me so will you kill me to keep me alive just for you and your peace of mind pieces mine fell apart shattered and mangled I stare right through you it scares you to see me so far away from you sitting too close for my comfort I couldn’t tell you what you were asking me if there was anything I could imagine to make me feel better and I couldn’t answer because there was nothing inside but confusion surrounding the things that affect me and I don’t know why but the reason is only just out of my reach I can almost taste it and it’s maddening to be so helpless when this could be could this help me should this stop me will this see me end this now before I get out of hand me off to them they’ve seen it all they’re bored by my insanity and if I chatter endlessly they will listen patiently even to the crazy things that I can’t stop from blurting out they smile I shout and mad-dash for the exits but they catch me screaming drug me strap me down the line I’ll wonder why I still can’t seem to hold on to my train of thought can’t stop for people now it’s much too full in here to hear me out there’s something not quite right about this I don’t doubt which won’t amount to much but I can’t give you anymore than I don’t have what you are looking for this padded room is really such a bore I’d leave but there aren’t handles on these doors

My laughter’s fake it ‘til you make it to the finish lines across my skin are raw and bleeding out of touch my face and feel the burning in my heart is shattered into pieces of the mirror shows me all the ways I changed the rules they don’t apply to us we’re not the same as they would have to break me down and build a knew it all along the way I fought so hard for things I never wanted anyhow dare you fight to keep me here and now it’s time to let me go ahead and try to stop me I was born to die like all human beings humans doing things to stay alive until you reach the exit wasn’t clearly marked and now I’ve missed my chance to get off of your high hoarse voices torn apart from that what reason could be important enough to distract you from the fact that I didn’t react when you told me I’d died and you beat me pound my heart to make it start back up slowly don’t you touch me I can’t bear the thought of contact next of kin and give them all the information you would never mind why I can’t stand this oh well I don’t care for this color is fading into the graying skin is decaying inside the border was cross-I’d never get to you fast enough to save you the trouble but I’ll do it for you if you’ll just let me hold you one more time with feeling like you’re in over your head but you refused the offered hand I dealt a vicious blow to enemies that threatened everything you stood alone without me by your side-stepped on every crack the case but we both know that ignorance is blissful numbness in my hands are curling round and round we go again still hoping for an end this now before it gets out alive but dead inside your head you hear the screams for help me please I cannot see the light in your eyes died young and restlessly pacing back and forthright manners matter mass and lacking energy to fuel the burning hatred of the emptiness I feel the rumble of the engine roaring drowning out the voices telling you to run away from your past would catch up if you could stop to consider the impossibility of probable cause is what you still need to find the killer hides behind your eyes are wide with fear the blackness filling up the spaces in between the lines I found out what you meant not what you said you didn’t need my love anymore than anything you wanted to be free and clear my mindless panic attack when backed into a corner market selling everything but what you were looking for answers where there were only questioning witnesses to get the whole story began with once upon a time to wake up the dead were walking towards the highway stretching out to vastly gaping chasms open wider or you’ll never fit into your definition of a perfect world could never be more wrong and now you know why I could never find the words to say it once for me before I go I can’t keep waiting for a time when I don’t feel the way is blocked you’ll have to go back to square one on one peer counseling you to avoid the choice was always yours to hold onto the images that slip out of your grasp the concept it was always ours to protect and serve your every whimsical notions in motion for a break this habit’s getting harder to ignore the feeling that you’re hiding from the fraying seems like things are going well to do the right or left behind the walls you built to keep it safe and sound of mind and everybody thinks you’re fine point pen the words upon the page the doctor gave you pills to cure the sickness spread until it took over the bridge the gap between us getting bigger problems keeping you from wondering about what’s wrong with me and mine weren’t ready for the changes made to suit you better than the rest is history but you don’t see the beast that’s crouching down that rabbit hole you’ve got to follow her no matter where she leads you on and often dreaming of the place between reality and fantasy will thrill me can’t you see that you would always be my reasoning with madmen cannot follow logic strains against the straps that were meant to keep me safe from my self-esteem was never high enough to reach for the next handhold onto me if you let go you’ll never see what I’ve become an animal will only use your instincts tell you I’m not safe to be close to the exit calling out to me to run until you can’t breathe in the scent of rain that’s falling on my face your problems I would rather not today maybe tomorrow will be easier to bear this burden on your own your shit you made your choices have consequences of your actions and reactions to each situation differs from the bet they placed it next to me so I could touch the surface but I could not reach beneath to find the real cause and effect they have on the balancing act like everything’s ok so they don’t ask you if you’re ready to move on to more advanced and multiplied by too much more and I will quit this job was far too easy for me to be distracted from the pain that started out as just a phase that you’ll grow out of someday I’ll remember why I came to be a shadow of my former self-involved with projects needing your attention to details blinding you to obviously I am not the person I pretend that I am not in so much pain that I can’t think or breathe or be anymore. I just can’t.

Losing Track of Time

Losing track of time is flying higher, daddy, higher til the sun touches your wings begin to melt away, we fade and then we will decay, when you're alone, silence is all you know, when you're alone, silence is all that's shown, when you're alone, truly alone you'll know, when you're you're alone, something inside feels cold, you try to fill the holes but every time they empty themselves easily but really, they were empty all along, you cannot fill them on your own, until you let the others in, there is no way to fill the abyss win the war against yourself you've fought and lost so much you never knew you even had until you lost your head and others saw the madness, drawing power from your sadness, but the depth you never knew seeped into the darkness and it grew, you tried to stop yourself but still you couldn't stop the coming ill, you saw it coming but you'd known, if others saw, you'd be undone. Self preservation overwhelms, you cannot fight, can't take the helm, you cannot tell them what will be, you cannot tell them what you see. They want to electrocute you, “fix” the mental patterns in you, i'm just waiting for a triggering event, don't think to tell me what it ever meant, I understand more than you know, but I won't ever let it show, I know exactly where I'll end up being, just you wait, seeing is believing, I won't be what mom became, I'd rather die than live with that pain, I'd rather end up in a padded cell, at least I know it's coming what the hell, I'll just embrace the mental disease, see it in my future even if you don't believe, it's the only way I'll stop, to me reality is just a prop, I dream of madness like you can't imagine, only dire trouble will cause your reaction,

Hope-Less

Hope is a commodity

and honestly,

I can't even live modestly

full of loss and brutality

reality is crushing me,

rushing me, pushing me,

hushing me, shushing, see

the will to live gushing out

all your doubt

is synchronizing with my own

empathetic pain will be

the last of me,

faster we are masters

of our own destruction

deconstructing

peeling the layers,

see all my failures,

see my heart is failing,

bailing, this boat isn't sailing

it's sinking, you're drinking in

all my despair is drowning out

the screams and shouts

of the survivors

we're not alive

but we're living

we're not giving up,

we're down and we can't get back up,

hold up, show up, blow this shit up

watch it burn

the pain will make me feel alive

and I will strive

but I will surely fail to thrive

I see them worry

they'll coax and goad me,

force me if I won't cooperate

they'll operate

remove the parts that make me

who I am are killing me,

but will they kill what's left

to save what's fake

answer this with no mistake

will you kill me to keep me alive,

hold me here, broken inside?

A captive, against my consent

angry, aggressive, jagged, and bent

it's not your intent,

it's your actions that matter

I'm bruised and I'm battered

put me down like a racehorse

with legs that are broken

listen to every damn word that I've spoken

I'm so afraid to die

but my life is a lie

every day that I try

all I want is to fly

above all of the stress

I won't settle for less

you can give it your best

but I cannot rest

cannot wrest this desire

from my heart, I want fire

you can call me a liar

you can drug me and bind me

you can hold and confine me

but in the end

it won't change what I need

I won't stop til I feed

I won't wait for it anymore

I've got to relieve this

I have to believe that

conceive this, alleviate,

I know I'm a reprobate,

condemned and depraved

I will dig my own grave

just get out of my way

I will lash out and assault

I know it's my fault

find the fault line and halt

it will open and swallow

to fill in the hollow

that I used to inhabit

I'll follow that rabbit

wherever it takes me

I don't care if it hates me

taunts me, and baits me

I don't care if it bites me

I don't need it to like me

I need it to guide me

away from my hiding place

deep in the empty space

where a person was present

I know it's unpleasant

but these thoughts are incessant

they brawl for ascendance

take turns to remind me

that whoever finds me

will carry the memory

no choice, it's compulsory

they'll remember my death

they might hear my last breath

they might feel my last heartbeat

and know it won't repeat

what will it do to them

what problems will stem

it haunts me

I'll gaunt, be

I'll flaunt it and taunt it

I'll grate and berate it

It's stupid, I hate this

my freedom might go amiss

I might not survive all this

dive into the abyss

embrace all the darkness

will my end be artless?

Sometimes I feel heartless

these feelings are worthless

I know they're not harmless

like an artist that's armless

I'm hurt and I'm waiting

the pain isn't fading

there's no point debating

the truth is invading

I know my fate is sealed

I know I can't be healed

how can I explain

that I just cannot deal

with the agony I feel

it's not always mine

but I know that it's real

I try to decline

but it's always invading

I feel myself fading

all my actions degrading

my thoughts are debasing

they are quickly erasing

and soon there won't be

anything that was me

just another cog

in the broken machine.

Unsure

I'm in a haze

in the clothes

I've been wearing for days

and I pray

that soon it will all go away

I don't know who I pray to

or what I'm expecting

the answers are not

in the hope I'm dissecting

desperately searching

for its direction

never forgetting

my lack of inflection

the horrible void

that opens within

swallowing everything

my ravenous sin

run from me, mortals

I'll eat you alive

there's nothing can quiet

the beast that's inside.

Your Pain vs Mine

Life is a lawsuit and your pain

Is more valuable than mine

you've been through more,

and you've seen worse,

felt more horrible about yourself

You've lost more than me,

I don't know hurt

and I don't know fear

it isn't what you want to hear

how can I be depressed

in such a world

where I am blessed

but I've known hunger

and I've known shame

and I've known I

will carry the blame,

I've known loathing,

I've known more

than you would ever

see before you,

standing, standoffish, I'm afraid

of angering demons that I made

if only you could see

that I hate myself more

than you could ever hate me

but you've felt more hate

rain down on you

my claim is late

I've already lost this fight

to feel my pain

I have no right

I'm an illegitimate

a bastard son

of the war you fought

so that I might win one

I'll break down for you,

I'll spell it out,

I don't need to scream

or to shout

if you ignore

your history

you WILL lose more

than you'll ever be.

Sweetly Violent Tendencies

Such Sweetly Violent Tendencies

that lurk behind my eyes

ask me and my mouth will tell you

all of my true lies

Such Sweetly Violent Tendencies

That lurk beneath my skin

I run hard and fast to see

that they're kept locked within

despite my will

it won't be long

until they see the light

I've put everything I had

into this hopeless fight

a danger to herself and others

written in my chart

a careful mix of drugs will be

the breaking of my heart

the shocking sum of rage

that I feel will be unleashed

every chance I get inside this cage

upon whoever is in reach

no one will believe at first

she's such a sweet small thing

I will gladly show my worst

for what their fear will bring

a deeper sense of rightness

than any that I know

a balm to soothe the angriness

that's been building in my soul

I've only just now grasped

my desperate need for fear

when people who've been hurt are asked

what power means, you'll hear

the safety it provides

a person won't attack if I

can see the terror in their eyes

I prove my willingness

to rip them all to shreds

they'll shy away from madness

and it's worth the strap-down beds

I've known it all along

fought it bruised and bleeding

but it's here that I belong

with the beast that I've been feeding

tortured as I am

by the insanity I've kept hidden

my sweetly violent tendencies

I'll no longer hold forbidden

Now you'll see the craziness

everything I hide

all the violent tendencies

til now, I have denied

Soliloquy

I'm refining my adeptness at soliloquy

all the while staring at things you can't see

I'm disinclined to show you my insanity

Well aware of my fate if condemned by lunacy

Each nightmare shows me leather cuffs and padded cells

the only thing they hold, though, is an empty shell

I've lost my muse, my power to imagine

the very womb of my soul is now barren

it's all I had and all I ever wanted

now, instead, I find that I am haunted

by the ghost of all that I knew to be true

My clipped wings are missing when I flew

over all the realms inside my mind

never really knowing what I'd find

now I walk the raw and empty land

where once a dog walked now I reach an empty hand

how can I live without the passion that was mine

pretending here and there, acting like I'm fine

the black rage engulfs everything in its path

how can I act normally when I feel this wrath

theres so much wrongness everywhere I look

I can't escape it, even in the pages of a book

we were never meant to live this way

we're so removed from truth, it's hard to say

I sometimes catch a glimpse, here and there

I remember what it was like to care

I knew what we needed to survive

I knew what it meant to be alive

but we are crushed beneath a weight of debt

just by living, a price that will never be met

I cannot live alongside this wrongness

one among billions, how can I clean up this mess

and so I languish, ineffective

waiting for when I will cease to live.

Done

You're on edge and you're hurting

you are failing to thrive

They're all trying to push you

but you've lost all your drive

You've lost touch with your passion

you've let go of your life

but I'll always keep trying

I will keep you alive

I will keep you alive.

There's no music in death

there's no chocolate or wine

there's no hope for the future

no grapes on that vine

only death is there waitng

impatient in line.

You are patiently waiting

you're just standing in line

you're just waiting for mercy

you're just waiting to die

you know you've no future

you know you've no life

all you have is your anger

all you know is you're tired

all you know is you're tired.

There is no life here

there is naught that will grow

you've no reason to live here

this is truth and you know

only death is there waiting

to reap what you sow

I'll waste no time hating.

I am lost and I'm maddened

I am weary and scared

I am wrathful and saddened

and I don't fucking care

all I am is my anger

all I am has been bared

there is nothing I lack

there is nothing I crave

you can't get me to crack

I will never behave

I will never behave.

You wait for the end

you are ready to die

in your bones you can feel

that the end is nigh

death is a friend you are waiting to meet

you won't run, you wont hide,

you will readily greet.

You're old in your heart

you are old in your soul

you are so far apart

inside there is a hole

you've fought to survive

for the people you love

you're still alive

but it's never enough

but it's never enough.

They are holding the needle

and aiming your way

and they will sedate you

whatever you say

you fight and contend

to save what you are

but there's always an end

are you're never far.

Honey, you're never far.

No Carrot

My life is all stick and no carrot

I don't even know how I bare it

can I stand up and bare arms

bare heart, bare in mind

my lying lion heart has born harm

I'm immune to your charms

I'm calloused, no doubt that I

feel malice, give out kindness

only when the mood strikes me

fights me, kicks and bites me

but I like it rough and ruthless

it's the truth, this is

the only way I know how

to feel anything other than

stress and anxiety, bow down

and I will dominate you

I feel hate too

and anger unreasonable

it's not seasonal

but I will seize the opportunities

that I get

to use the amenities

spit obscenities

pick you up just to shelve you

like the book I delve into

but I'll hurt you

I'm a jerk, too,

you should run fast and far away

nothing good will ever stay

close, wrong dose, my ghost

will follow its host

until I can exorcise it

all this bullshit

is just an excuse

to be a recluse

alone I will hold on

to the things that are killing me

and it's easy

for me to take the blame

I'll eat all my shame

it will fill up, my half empty cup

I'm not a pessimist

I just see this for what it really is,

if you loved me

you would let me go and set me free

let the wolves devour me

down to my bones

if it makes you feel better

I never should have let her

open wide and swallow me whole

my pride and all of my goals

these holes are hard to fill

I seek thrills to sate the

emptiness, but it's relentless

I won't send this letter I wrote

my breath's caught in my throat

and this note is not an apology

I'm not sorry

for the things that I've done

I will run, make fun

of my own shattered thoughts

I've fought, but not won

my battles, they rattle

around in my head

I'm dead but I'm walking

not a zombie

just a product

of all the abuse, see

it's not difficult to understand

why I'm suspicious of a helping hand

and I'll mention

that good intentions

have paved the way

to where I am today

it's not a good situation

suicidal contemplation

it's distasteful

so take a mouthful

and keep in mind

that this is what sustains me

fucking pains me

to know that I'm injuring

everybody near me

I'm enduring

every note that's off key

but oh me and oh my

I'd bleed and I'd die

on the off chance

that it would make things right

I fight and I strive

just to see if I'm still alive

and I swear that I'm trying

but I dream of flying

and I can't help but wonder

if death would be kinder to me

look right through me

see I've wondered

see me sundered

yes, I've blundered

tried to swim but I went underneath the waves

the undertow is taking me

and I don't know

where I will wash up

washed up, used up, worn down, torn up

ripped and ragged

catch my act

it's easy to miss, blink

I will twist and turn up missing

they have found me

they surround me

catch and hold fast

I will not last

strap me down and I'll fight dirty

just go ahead and hurt me

I will savor every pain

that I'm gifted with

I wished for it

I love it, bitch!

But now I'm immobilized

and they criticize

I will find a way

to make them all pay

through the nose

this ain't prose

and it's not over

but don't offer assistance

cos that's just offensive

I will be aggressive

I don't need your help

to stand and deliver

I will shake and I will shiver

like an addict in withdrawal

but don't write and don't call

cos you don't have the gall

or the wherewithal

I hate small talk

and chatting 'bout all the

nothing happening. Stop.

Think about what you're saying

can't you see that I'm not paying

attention, tear your eyes away from your phone

and see that while you continued to drone

I just up and left

you weren't hanging on every word I said

doesn't matter

you flirt and you flatter

I'm fed up and down and underground

and now that we've come back around

I'm FUCKING DONE.

Rap for Jeremy

I'm easily distracted

but not impacted

it takes more than just

theories and facts, yeah

it takes

reasons and feelings,

seasons for killing

the meanings of all this

are all inside of

inside of

in sight of

in my sights I see

all the purpose behind

the whole of

the whole of

the hole of

the whole up above

but I digress

from my search for atraxia

it lacks a

certain perspective

it's not just objective

it's circumspect

and all of these words

are just words that affect us

like nothing else could

if you stand where I've stood

would you see what I've seen

and become what I've been

but be careful of becoming

too much like me

like a python

to swallow

the world

would be hollow

just like all these words

do you follow

my progress

it's sickness this thickness

it's witless this fitness

it's unfit and forfeit

your right to abort it

it's over and done with

and now I plead the fifth

Uninhabitable

I am nothing but the insatiable hunger,

the catatonic body it inhabits,

marching about and pretending at life

I’m just a ghost

clinging to the places

I used to frequent

now all the faces

Are unfamiliar as I wander through time

Waiting for a reason

But I gave up on hope

With the changing of the season

So hear me out before you jump to conclusions

including illusions with novas colliding explosions and sightings

divisions now fighting decisions providing insight

deriving from dreams about flying and hope overriding

but don’t assume I’ll be remaining here idly addicted

so tidily predicting fallacy infant mortality infecting sanity

injecting fantasy inspect facilities decreased abilities

know that I’m ill at ease with my proclivities

see how I resist the impulses of this

flawed and decaying form

I fall back, retreating

agree to a meeting

but don't believe that

I'll just listen to reason

you know that I won't

be able to ease in

I've never been subtle

when I know what I want

all that I cared about

from the beginning

was an end that would make me

proud to have lived

excerpts
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About the Creator

C. K. Adams

I am lost and not interested in being found.

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