Tasting Despair
A Collection of Poetry, Rambling, Etc.
I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, ADHD, Binge-Eating Disorder, and back and forth, Bulimia and Anorexia. I'm also an alcoholic.
Pain-Full
The shame in her avoiding eyes
She cannot meet my gaze
It’s she who brought this on us
But I’m the one that pays
I glare at my reflection
Disgusted by the sight
But in this war, I’ve lost the will
To try to win the fight
She laughs but we are empty
The sound is bleak and cruel
I replace the mask I wear
Pretend I’m not the fool
Show them all the actress
She’s charismatic, tough
A leader, much at ease with life
For to her, this life’s enough
I tell them all that I’ve got plans
I’ll be something someday
They eat it up, believe the lies
They all believe I’ll stay
It’s something they will never get
They’ll never realize
They can’t see the real threats
The one behind my eyes
I can’t seem to bring myself
To care enough to try
This sickness may be killing me
But I would love to die
I have no feeling left inside
I don’t have any dreams
There’s nowhere left for me to hide
I’m dreaming every night now
of an end to what I feel
I’m running out of anchors
and my wounds decline to heal
I’m fraying at the seams
I can’t show them who I am
The beast inside my head
She knows that I don’t give a damn
Though she’ll fight to be fed
I’ve got not hope to hold to
for despair is always looming
Why should I think to spare them pain
when mine is all-consuming
They say it would destroy their hearts
if I were to give in
I’ve got to tell you, this excuse
is starting to wear thin
I know that I am broken
This truth was always mine
Why do you fight to keep me here
When all I’ve left is time…
Purge
Consumed by the urge
There’s no room for your words
There’s no room for my thoughts
For rhyme or for reason
Time is immaterial
Comes and goes in waves
Consummating this consumption
Hatred for my weak and worthless
Body, mind, the lack of will
Everyone can see what you have done
The cold is everywhere
Penetrating to the deepest layer
I shiver as I find
That only hell was left behind
Couldn’t satisfy
Couldn’t satiate
Maybe it’ll work next time,
You’ll just have to wait
But it never works, you’re never whole
The hole will only grow and grow
In the end you’ll wonder why
But all the debt was only mine
Gravity
Madness is like gravity
You’re pushing me, stop pushing me
I’m closer to the edge than you can see
And if I take a wrong step now
I know that I will fall
And I can’t see the bottom of the hole that I’ve been digging
With every word I’d say
I killed another day
That I could have had with you
I’m losing touch with reality
I grasp for my sanity
But my hold is unsteady
I slipped away from the real world
And into my dreams I curled
Fighting to protect my weakened heart
They’re full of words that don’t say anything
Feel the rage and see the reddening
I couldn’t stop myself from falling mad
Wish I could’ve understood what I never had
I’m losing touch with reality
I grasp for my sanity
But my hold is unsteady
And I don’t know how much longer I can hold on
I’ll run away from the hurt I feel
When I can tell you what’s real
Like where we really are
Does it really matter now
I’m lost in these vague events
And there’s no map to point the way
I’d follow if I found evidence
That what I’m chasing now
could lead me where I need to go
But I’m heading towards the edge now
You’re waiting where I left you far behind
And if I feel you next to me
I know that it’s a lie
But it’s truer than any other thing I see
I’m losing touch with reality
I grasp for my sanity
But my hold is unsteady
And I don’t know how much longer I can hold on
I’ll find a way back to you someday
And I’ll know just what I should say
And it won’t matter to me
If nothing here is real
Because my hands are slipping anyway
Decaying
They put me away in the fall
And by autumn next year
I still wasn’t here
I tried to escape from it all
But they dragged me back kicking and screaming
I’m not getting better
I’m simply decaying
Don’t follow to the letter
The instructions she gave
I’m not getting better
Despite what they told you
I’m stubbornly heading
The same way I came
I’d sleep all day long if I could
To hide from the truths
I accrued in my youth
If I could unlearn them I would
I can’t tell what I’m trying to tell you
I’m not getting better
I’m simply decaying
Don’t follow to the letter
The instructions she gave
I’m not getting better
Despite what they told you
I’m stubbornly heading
The same way I came
I’ll dream of a life I could love
Where all of my pain’s
Washed away when it rains
By now I’ve had more than enough
If this is my life
I don’t want any part of it
I’m not getting better
I’m quickly decaying
I wrote you a letter
That made clear my point
I’m not any better
Despite what they told you
I’m stubbornly heading
The same way I came
I’m still stubbornly headed
The same way I came
Chaotic
In the wasteland we’re forgotten memories but I could not distinguish what was real enough to fool them into thinking it was safe to let me out it’s far too crowded around to stop me from escaping this place suffocating me I can’t catch my breath I’m too far gone to see that they are not the enemy is in my head is splitting up to search the woods for traces that I left behind me I can hear the rescue dogs but they can’t save me from my selfish need to leave the world is pulsing to the beating of my heart is broken pieces that don’t fit where they’re supposed to tell me I will be ok if I just give it time will heal all wounds they say but sickness doesn’t fade into the sound of headphones drowning out my absent minded rambling gibberish scrambling to find me before I succeed and I never planned to hurt anyone but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t avoid causing pain to the people who care about me were scared for my sanity was in question their motives were pure but my soul was blackened and filthy don’t touch me I won’t let it spread to anyone passing by never stopping to notice the damage was done and the bones healed wrong and you’d have to break me to save me so do it already I can’t just keep waiting for things to change your opinion was altered by what you experienced wasn’t uncommon but that doesn’t make it ok that it happens to everyone goes through this phase and this too shall pass but it’s going in circles around me they caught me I fought and I begged them to free me but they held on tightly convinced they could help me through whatever trauma I was suffering at their hands were drenched in my blood as they applied pressure to limit the loss of interest in the book I was reading couldn’t distract me long enough to strap me down but that only caused a fresh wave of panic to rise in me threatened to render me mindlessly screaming anxiety filling me with doubts about the route instructions said to stay in the lane was ending I merged into oncoming traffic they swerved with their horns blaring sirens were scaring me so I stood frozen a deer in the headlights flashed and I turned my back on the people I loved when they asked me to count back from ten as the drugs took effect and I drifted away on the tide was relentlessly dragging me under the covers I hid from their words kept repeating inside of my headstrong impulsive decisions to run from my problems persisted refusing to grant me respite and despite this I could not deny what I knew in my heart that it couldn’t be truth isn’t relative to reference books they won’t let you check out the dangerous patterns of thought you would be there but you couldn’t see that I’d give up everything I ever knew to not have this black hole inside of my sole intent was to give up cigarette smoke wafting lazily up to this point I had no hope is self-destructive habit forms to fill out while you’re in the waiting room was bleak and uninvited comments on the state of events that played outside the fence was too high to climb but If I am determined then no one can stop me from what I have got to be strong for you when you need me I’ll come but don’t fool yourself into trusting that I won’t be dreaming of what I decided that it wasn’t worth all the effort I put into making them think that I wouldn’t attempt it the first chance I get when their backs are turned for a moment I really thought that it wouldn’t come to a fork in the road where you’ll figure out which direction I was led to believe that things would get better but then worsened the weather and whether or not it was snowing or reigning over the subjected to their speculation.
I flinched away from your touch and I saw the hurt in your eyes from rejection but I only meant to prevent you from being infected don’t touch me I can’t bear the thought of contact with your skin on mine is filthy dirtied by the blackness in my heart contaminated by my hatred and my random anger raging blindly screaming anxiety panicked sobriety will you stop to consider the outcome on sweetheart I need you to breathe for me steady your poor fragile nerves shaking hands get a grip on reality wasn’t as firm as it should have been and now I’m fighting to put up my walls to keep hidden my plan to attempt and I made the incision my blood flowing freely admitted my guilt and my shame won’t last forever someday I’ll get over it and that day will be marked by the people who care if I live or I die today will it really matter I’m one out of thousands not awfully important I’m no inventor or doctor or teacher I don’t make a difference I can be replaced and there are few who would notice so why should I bother to fight through the days that drag me through hell full of pain and despair never ending it seems as I fail to sleep through the nights so much darker than I ever remembered and this is turning out of what I meant it to be…
Sitting not so steady ever ready for the changes we don’t want to have to need to make this time count for more than you had bargained for but what you see is what you get me now and then we make exceptions for the circumstances don’t allow for human nature horrifies me sleep denies me compromise we won’t agree on anything but we’ll still have to choose one way or another any other time I’d do it for myself but I need help just this once so don’t get used to this and that let’s sit and chat about nothing that really matters any more but we’ll explore the possibilities were endless needless heed this warning I won’t stick around forever waiting for you I’ll ignore you that’s a lie I’ll stay until you figure out what you’re wanting for you’re yearning for and I won’t tell you what’s in store for you I’d wait for you I’d fight for you I’d kill and I would die for you just ask me to you’ll see it’s true no matter what I’ll be there for you…
Now and then we still pretend that I’m not damaged by the sudden change in your affection used to keep me together they hold me down whether the weather would worsen I’ll still be determined to carry out plans I’ve been dreaming of dying more often and off then we’ll go to some far off fantasy where you hope they’ll help me you’re desperate to pull me out of my misery before it’s too late to stop me I told you already and now will you turn me into a zombie cos you’d have to break me to save me so will you kill me to keep me alive just for you and your peace of mind pieces mine fell apart shattered and mangled I stare right through you it scares you to see me so far away from you sitting too close for my comfort I couldn’t tell you what you were asking me if there was anything I could imagine to make me feel better and I couldn’t answer because there was nothing inside but confusion surrounding the things that affect me and I don’t know why but the reason is only just out of my reach I can almost taste it and it’s maddening to be so helpless when this could be could this help me should this stop me will this see me end this now before I get out of hand me off to them they’ve seen it all they’re bored by my insanity and if I chatter endlessly they will listen patiently even to the crazy things that I can’t stop from blurting out they smile I shout and mad-dash for the exits but they catch me screaming drug me strap me down the line I’ll wonder why I still can’t seem to hold on to my train of thought can’t stop for people now it’s much too full in here to hear me out there’s something not quite right about this I don’t doubt which won’t amount to much but I can’t give you anymore than I don’t have what you are looking for this padded room is really such a bore I’d leave but there aren’t handles on these doors
My laughter’s fake it ‘til you make it to the finish lines across my skin are raw and bleeding out of touch my face and feel the burning in my heart is shattered into pieces of the mirror shows me all the ways I changed the rules they don’t apply to us we’re not the same as they would have to break me down and build a knew it all along the way I fought so hard for things I never wanted anyhow dare you fight to keep me here and now it’s time to let me go ahead and try to stop me I was born to die like all human beings humans doing things to stay alive until you reach the exit wasn’t clearly marked and now I’ve missed my chance to get off of your high hoarse voices torn apart from that what reason could be important enough to distract you from the fact that I didn’t react when you told me I’d died and you beat me pound my heart to make it start back up slowly don’t you touch me I can’t bear the thought of contact next of kin and give them all the information you would never mind why I can’t stand this oh well I don’t care for this color is fading into the graying skin is decaying inside the border was cross-I’d never get to you fast enough to save you the trouble but I’ll do it for you if you’ll just let me hold you one more time with feeling like you’re in over your head but you refused the offered hand I dealt a vicious blow to enemies that threatened everything you stood alone without me by your side-stepped on every crack the case but we both know that ignorance is blissful numbness in my hands are curling round and round we go again still hoping for an end this now before it gets out alive but dead inside your head you hear the screams for help me please I cannot see the light in your eyes died young and restlessly pacing back and forthright manners matter mass and lacking energy to fuel the burning hatred of the emptiness I feel the rumble of the engine roaring drowning out the voices telling you to run away from your past would catch up if you could stop to consider the impossibility of probable cause is what you still need to find the killer hides behind your eyes are wide with fear the blackness filling up the spaces in between the lines I found out what you meant not what you said you didn’t need my love anymore than anything you wanted to be free and clear my mindless panic attack when backed into a corner market selling everything but what you were looking for answers where there were only questioning witnesses to get the whole story began with once upon a time to wake up the dead were walking towards the highway stretching out to vastly gaping chasms open wider or you’ll never fit into your definition of a perfect world could never be more wrong and now you know why I could never find the words to say it once for me before I go I can’t keep waiting for a time when I don’t feel the way is blocked you’ll have to go back to square one on one peer counseling you to avoid the choice was always yours to hold onto the images that slip out of your grasp the concept it was always ours to protect and serve your every whimsical notions in motion for a break this habit’s getting harder to ignore the feeling that you’re hiding from the fraying seems like things are going well to do the right or left behind the walls you built to keep it safe and sound of mind and everybody thinks you’re fine point pen the words upon the page the doctor gave you pills to cure the sickness spread until it took over the bridge the gap between us getting bigger problems keeping you from wondering about what’s wrong with me and mine weren’t ready for the changes made to suit you better than the rest is history but you don’t see the beast that’s crouching down that rabbit hole you’ve got to follow her no matter where she leads you on and often dreaming of the place between reality and fantasy will thrill me can’t you see that you would always be my reasoning with madmen cannot follow logic strains against the straps that were meant to keep me safe from my self-esteem was never high enough to reach for the next handhold onto me if you let go you’ll never see what I’ve become an animal will only use your instincts tell you I’m not safe to be close to the exit calling out to me to run until you can’t breathe in the scent of rain that’s falling on my face your problems I would rather not today maybe tomorrow will be easier to bear this burden on your own your shit you made your choices have consequences of your actions and reactions to each situation differs from the bet they placed it next to me so I could touch the surface but I could not reach beneath to find the real cause and effect they have on the balancing act like everything’s ok so they don’t ask you if you’re ready to move on to more advanced and multiplied by too much more and I will quit this job was far too easy for me to be distracted from the pain that started out as just a phase that you’ll grow out of someday I’ll remember why I came to be a shadow of my former self-involved with projects needing your attention to details blinding you to obviously I am not the person I pretend that I am not in so much pain that I can’t think or breathe or be anymore. I just can’t.
Losing Track of Time
Losing track of time is flying higher, daddy, higher til the sun touches your wings begin to melt away, we fade and then we will decay, when you're alone, silence is all you know, when you're alone, silence is all that's shown, when you're alone, truly alone you'll know, when you're you're alone, something inside feels cold, you try to fill the holes but every time they empty themselves easily but really, they were empty all along, you cannot fill them on your own, until you let the others in, there is no way to fill the abyss win the war against yourself you've fought and lost so much you never knew you even had until you lost your head and others saw the madness, drawing power from your sadness, but the depth you never knew seeped into the darkness and it grew, you tried to stop yourself but still you couldn't stop the coming ill, you saw it coming but you'd known, if others saw, you'd be undone. Self preservation overwhelms, you cannot fight, can't take the helm, you cannot tell them what will be, you cannot tell them what you see. They want to electrocute you, “fix” the mental patterns in you, i'm just waiting for a triggering event, don't think to tell me what it ever meant, I understand more than you know, but I won't ever let it show, I know exactly where I'll end up being, just you wait, seeing is believing, I won't be what mom became, I'd rather die than live with that pain, I'd rather end up in a padded cell, at least I know it's coming what the hell, I'll just embrace the mental disease, see it in my future even if you don't believe, it's the only way I'll stop, to me reality is just a prop, I dream of madness like you can't imagine, only dire trouble will cause your reaction,
Hope-Less
Hope is a commodity
and honestly,
I can't even live modestly
full of loss and brutality
reality is crushing me,
rushing me, pushing me,
hushing me, shushing, see
the will to live gushing out
all your doubt
is synchronizing with my own
empathetic pain will be
the last of me,
faster we are masters
of our own destruction
deconstructing
peeling the layers,
see all my failures,
see my heart is failing,
bailing, this boat isn't sailing
it's sinking, you're drinking in
all my despair is drowning out
the screams and shouts
of the survivors
we're not alive
but we're living
we're not giving up,
we're down and we can't get back up,
hold up, show up, blow this shit up
watch it burn
the pain will make me feel alive
and I will strive
but I will surely fail to thrive
I see them worry
they'll coax and goad me,
force me if I won't cooperate
they'll operate
remove the parts that make me
who I am are killing me,
but will they kill what's left
to save what's fake
answer this with no mistake
will you kill me to keep me alive,
hold me here, broken inside?
A captive, against my consent
angry, aggressive, jagged, and bent
it's not your intent,
it's your actions that matter
I'm bruised and I'm battered
put me down like a racehorse
with legs that are broken
listen to every damn word that I've spoken
I'm so afraid to die
but my life is a lie
every day that I try
all I want is to fly
above all of the stress
I won't settle for less
you can give it your best
but I cannot rest
cannot wrest this desire
from my heart, I want fire
you can call me a liar
you can drug me and bind me
you can hold and confine me
but in the end
it won't change what I need
I won't stop til I feed
I won't wait for it anymore
I've got to relieve this
I have to believe that
conceive this, alleviate,
I know I'm a reprobate,
condemned and depraved
I will dig my own grave
just get out of my way
I will lash out and assault
I know it's my fault
find the fault line and halt
it will open and swallow
to fill in the hollow
that I used to inhabit
I'll follow that rabbit
wherever it takes me
I don't care if it hates me
taunts me, and baits me
I don't care if it bites me
I don't need it to like me
I need it to guide me
away from my hiding place
deep in the empty space
where a person was present
I know it's unpleasant
but these thoughts are incessant
they brawl for ascendance
take turns to remind me
that whoever finds me
will carry the memory
no choice, it's compulsory
they'll remember my death
they might hear my last breath
they might feel my last heartbeat
and know it won't repeat
what will it do to them
what problems will stem
it haunts me
I'll gaunt, be
I'll flaunt it and taunt it
I'll grate and berate it
It's stupid, I hate this
my freedom might go amiss
I might not survive all this
dive into the abyss
embrace all the darkness
will my end be artless?
Sometimes I feel heartless
these feelings are worthless
I know they're not harmless
like an artist that's armless
I'm hurt and I'm waiting
the pain isn't fading
there's no point debating
the truth is invading
I know my fate is sealed
I know I can't be healed
how can I explain
that I just cannot deal
with the agony I feel
it's not always mine
but I know that it's real
I try to decline
but it's always invading
I feel myself fading
all my actions degrading
my thoughts are debasing
they are quickly erasing
and soon there won't be
anything that was me
just another cog
in the broken machine.
Unsure
I'm in a haze
in the clothes
I've been wearing for days
and I pray
that soon it will all go away
I don't know who I pray to
or what I'm expecting
the answers are not
in the hope I'm dissecting
desperately searching
for its direction
never forgetting
my lack of inflection
the horrible void
that opens within
swallowing everything
my ravenous sin
run from me, mortals
I'll eat you alive
there's nothing can quiet
the beast that's inside.
Your Pain vs Mine
Life is a lawsuit and your pain
Is more valuable than mine
you've been through more,
and you've seen worse,
felt more horrible about yourself
You've lost more than me,
I don't know hurt
and I don't know fear
it isn't what you want to hear
how can I be depressed
in such a world
where I am blessed
but I've known hunger
and I've known shame
and I've known I
will carry the blame,
I've known loathing,
I've known more
than you would ever
see before you,
standing, standoffish, I'm afraid
of angering demons that I made
if only you could see
that I hate myself more
than you could ever hate me
but you've felt more hate
rain down on you
my claim is late
I've already lost this fight
to feel my pain
I have no right
I'm an illegitimate
a bastard son
of the war you fought
so that I might win one
I'll break down for you,
I'll spell it out,
I don't need to scream
or to shout
if you ignore
your history
you WILL lose more
than you'll ever be.
Sweetly Violent Tendencies
Such Sweetly Violent Tendencies
that lurk behind my eyes
ask me and my mouth will tell you
all of my true lies
Such Sweetly Violent Tendencies
That lurk beneath my skin
I run hard and fast to see
that they're kept locked within
despite my will
it won't be long
until they see the light
I've put everything I had
into this hopeless fight
a danger to herself and others
written in my chart
a careful mix of drugs will be
the breaking of my heart
the shocking sum of rage
that I feel will be unleashed
every chance I get inside this cage
upon whoever is in reach
no one will believe at first
she's such a sweet small thing
I will gladly show my worst
for what their fear will bring
a deeper sense of rightness
than any that I know
a balm to soothe the angriness
that's been building in my soul
I've only just now grasped
my desperate need for fear
when people who've been hurt are asked
what power means, you'll hear
the safety it provides
a person won't attack if I
can see the terror in their eyes
I prove my willingness
to rip them all to shreds
they'll shy away from madness
and it's worth the strap-down beds
I've known it all along
fought it bruised and bleeding
but it's here that I belong
with the beast that I've been feeding
tortured as I am
by the insanity I've kept hidden
my sweetly violent tendencies
I'll no longer hold forbidden
Now you'll see the craziness
everything I hide
all the violent tendencies
til now, I have denied
Soliloquy
I'm refining my adeptness at soliloquy
all the while staring at things you can't see
I'm disinclined to show you my insanity
Well aware of my fate if condemned by lunacy
Each nightmare shows me leather cuffs and padded cells
the only thing they hold, though, is an empty shell
I've lost my muse, my power to imagine
the very womb of my soul is now barren
it's all I had and all I ever wanted
now, instead, I find that I am haunted
by the ghost of all that I knew to be true
My clipped wings are missing when I flew
over all the realms inside my mind
never really knowing what I'd find
now I walk the raw and empty land
where once a dog walked now I reach an empty hand
how can I live without the passion that was mine
pretending here and there, acting like I'm fine
the black rage engulfs everything in its path
how can I act normally when I feel this wrath
theres so much wrongness everywhere I look
I can't escape it, even in the pages of a book
we were never meant to live this way
we're so removed from truth, it's hard to say
I sometimes catch a glimpse, here and there
I remember what it was like to care
I knew what we needed to survive
I knew what it meant to be alive
but we are crushed beneath a weight of debt
just by living, a price that will never be met
I cannot live alongside this wrongness
one among billions, how can I clean up this mess
and so I languish, ineffective
waiting for when I will cease to live.
Done
You're on edge and you're hurting
you are failing to thrive
They're all trying to push you
but you've lost all your drive
You've lost touch with your passion
you've let go of your life
but I'll always keep trying
I will keep you alive
I will keep you alive.
There's no music in death
there's no chocolate or wine
there's no hope for the future
no grapes on that vine
only death is there waitng
impatient in line.
You are patiently waiting
you're just standing in line
you're just waiting for mercy
you're just waiting to die
you know you've no future
you know you've no life
all you have is your anger
all you know is you're tired
all you know is you're tired.
There is no life here
there is naught that will grow
you've no reason to live here
this is truth and you know
only death is there waiting
to reap what you sow
I'll waste no time hating.
I am lost and I'm maddened
I am weary and scared
I am wrathful and saddened
and I don't fucking care
all I am is my anger
all I am has been bared
there is nothing I lack
there is nothing I crave
you can't get me to crack
I will never behave
I will never behave.
You wait for the end
you are ready to die
in your bones you can feel
that the end is nigh
death is a friend you are waiting to meet
you won't run, you wont hide,
you will readily greet.
You're old in your heart
you are old in your soul
you are so far apart
inside there is a hole
you've fought to survive
for the people you love
you're still alive
but it's never enough
but it's never enough.
They are holding the needle
and aiming your way
and they will sedate you
whatever you say
you fight and contend
to save what you are
but there's always an end
are you're never far.
Honey, you're never far.
No Carrot
My life is all stick and no carrot
I don't even know how I bare it
can I stand up and bare arms
bare heart, bare in mind
my lying lion heart has born harm
I'm immune to your charms
I'm calloused, no doubt that I
feel malice, give out kindness
only when the mood strikes me
fights me, kicks and bites me
but I like it rough and ruthless
it's the truth, this is
the only way I know how
to feel anything other than
stress and anxiety, bow down
and I will dominate you
I feel hate too
and anger unreasonable
it's not seasonal
but I will seize the opportunities
that I get
to use the amenities
spit obscenities
pick you up just to shelve you
like the book I delve into
but I'll hurt you
I'm a jerk, too,
you should run fast and far away
nothing good will ever stay
close, wrong dose, my ghost
will follow its host
until I can exorcise it
all this bullshit
is just an excuse
to be a recluse
alone I will hold on
to the things that are killing me
and it's easy
for me to take the blame
I'll eat all my shame
it will fill up, my half empty cup
I'm not a pessimist
I just see this for what it really is,
if you loved me
you would let me go and set me free
let the wolves devour me
down to my bones
if it makes you feel better
I never should have let her
open wide and swallow me whole
my pride and all of my goals
these holes are hard to fill
I seek thrills to sate the
emptiness, but it's relentless
I won't send this letter I wrote
my breath's caught in my throat
and this note is not an apology
I'm not sorry
for the things that I've done
I will run, make fun
of my own shattered thoughts
I've fought, but not won
my battles, they rattle
around in my head
I'm dead but I'm walking
not a zombie
just a product
of all the abuse, see
it's not difficult to understand
why I'm suspicious of a helping hand
and I'll mention
that good intentions
have paved the way
to where I am today
it's not a good situation
suicidal contemplation
it's distasteful
so take a mouthful
and keep in mind
that this is what sustains me
fucking pains me
to know that I'm injuring
everybody near me
I'm enduring
every note that's off key
but oh me and oh my
I'd bleed and I'd die
on the off chance
that it would make things right
I fight and I strive
just to see if I'm still alive
and I swear that I'm trying
but I dream of flying
and I can't help but wonder
if death would be kinder to me
look right through me
see I've wondered
see me sundered
yes, I've blundered
tried to swim but I went underneath the waves
the undertow is taking me
and I don't know
where I will wash up
washed up, used up, worn down, torn up
ripped and ragged
catch my act
it's easy to miss, blink
I will twist and turn up missing
they have found me
they surround me
catch and hold fast
I will not last
strap me down and I'll fight dirty
just go ahead and hurt me
I will savor every pain
that I'm gifted with
I wished for it
I love it, bitch!
But now I'm immobilized
and they criticize
I will find a way
to make them all pay
through the nose
this ain't prose
and it's not over
but don't offer assistance
cos that's just offensive
I will be aggressive
I don't need your help
to stand and deliver
I will shake and I will shiver
like an addict in withdrawal
but don't write and don't call
cos you don't have the gall
or the wherewithal
I hate small talk
and chatting 'bout all the
nothing happening. Stop.
Think about what you're saying
can't you see that I'm not paying
attention, tear your eyes away from your phone
and see that while you continued to drone
I just up and left
you weren't hanging on every word I said
doesn't matter
you flirt and you flatter
I'm fed up and down and underground
and now that we've come back around
I'm FUCKING DONE.
Rap for Jeremy
I'm easily distracted
but not impacted
it takes more than just
theories and facts, yeah
it takes
reasons and feelings,
seasons for killing
the meanings of all this
are all inside of
inside of
in sight of
in my sights I see
all the purpose behind
the whole of
the whole of
the hole of
the whole up above
but I digress
from my search for atraxia
it lacks a
certain perspective
it's not just objective
it's circumspect
and all of these words
are just words that affect us
like nothing else could
if you stand where I've stood
would you see what I've seen
and become what I've been
but be careful of becoming
too much like me
like a python
to swallow
the world
would be hollow
just like all these words
do you follow
my progress
it's sickness this thickness
it's witless this fitness
it's unfit and forfeit
your right to abort it
it's over and done with
and now I plead the fifth
Uninhabitable
I am nothing but the insatiable hunger,
the catatonic body it inhabits,
marching about and pretending at life
I’m just a ghost
clinging to the places
I used to frequent
now all the faces
Are unfamiliar as I wander through time
Waiting for a reason
But I gave up on hope
With the changing of the season
So hear me out before you jump to conclusions
including illusions with novas colliding explosions and sightings
divisions now fighting decisions providing insight
deriving from dreams about flying and hope overriding
but don’t assume I’ll be remaining here idly addicted
so tidily predicting fallacy infant mortality infecting sanity
injecting fantasy inspect facilities decreased abilities
know that I’m ill at ease with my proclivities
see how I resist the impulses of this
flawed and decaying form
I fall back, retreating
agree to a meeting
but don't believe that
I'll just listen to reason
you know that I won't
be able to ease in
I've never been subtle
when I know what I want
all that I cared about
from the beginning
was an end that would make me
proud to have lived
About the Creator
C. K. Adams
I am lost and not interested in being found.
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