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I wake up and fall asleep with you. I wish you a good morning and goodnight. We brush our teeth together—I remind you of how beautiful you are. We shower because a woman’s personal hygiene is very important—mom always reminded us of that.
Everyday is usually the same but this morning you woke up different. Your eyes were different. Your vibe was different. You don’t speak much anymore. Your movements are almost robotic. You can barely hold a conversation anymore because you have no interest in anything—I saw you roll your eyes. Your smile is no longer genuine. Your laugh is forced. You make plans with people that never fall through.
I remember when you used to smile. When you used to laugh—your laugh was music to my ears. It felt good to hear. I would give anything to hear it again. Those lazy days when we would lay in bed and read—you would fall asleep ten minutes in because of those long 3 months you suffered from insomnia, you would read because it helped you sleep. I would pray you slept well and wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night. Those 8 hours of sleep are important. Our bedroom used to be our haven now feels more like the gallows.
You used to write your thoughts down when you couldn’t confide in me. You would sit on your bed and just write and write and write. Once that pen touched the paper there was no stopping you. Everything would flow out. You no longer do that. You haven’t written in months. You don’t even talk to me anymore. You’ve turned to alcohol, cigarettes on occasion —you blow the smoke in my face. I tell you I don’t want to drink but you force shot after shot after shot down my throat—you reply back with, “I don’t want to feel anymore”
Everyday is like this
Everyday I see the woman I love lose herself—as well as myself
Everyday she moves further from my grasp
And as I struggle to get her home, get her cleaned and into bed I cry because I know that the outcome is not beautiful. I know that I’ll lose her for good. She’s so deep in her pain, I can’t help her.
She won’t let me.
She doesn’t need me right now.
She doesn’t want me right now.