Survivor's Guilt

You'll hold me in your arms,

Every day, every night, every morning,

Until one day holding me just isn't enough.

We'll break eye contact,

My dumb jokes won't make you laugh,

And all at once you'll realize,

I'm not the girl you thought I was,

The girl you thought you wanted.

The first time you see me cry,

You'll wonder if it's worth it,

If you can bare to stay,

With someone,

As fucked up as the girl standing in front of you.

I'll still hang on to your every word,

Desperate for the pieces of you that you share,

Completely unaware that you're beginning to want the pieces back.

I'll write sonnets about your smile,

While you're in the next room,

Writing your goodbyes.

When you finally say it's over,

I'll side with you,

I'll wonder how you stayed as long as you did,

And I'll write in my journal how beautiful your last words to me were.

I'll make you the protagonist of the situation,

And antagonize myself to those who ask what went wrong.

I'll hang on to the memory of you in the most desperate and pathetic ways,

As I listen to all of your favorite bands.

I'll never wonder why you left,

Only why you came in the first place.

I'll sing praises about you to anyone who'll listen,

Because after all,

I put you in this situation.

I brought you to a place that seemed beautiful,

And shielded your eyes when you had concerns.

I showed you the lies I paint on myself,

And held the paintbrush proudly as you gazed in amazement.

I put on my happy face when you told me I could frown,

Until the floodgates opened and you nearly drowned.

I guess in the future you'll know,

Better than to take the smiles at face value,

You'll know that the girl with the glowing positivity,

Just might live under the darkest cloud in the sky.

You'll know the truths that could be hiding behind those pearly smiles and lame jokes,

Truths that could reach out at any moment,

And make you a part of their mess.

And maybe next time you'll choose differently.