Stuck

It’s really hard to put work into being a better functioning person when expectations of you are so high, especially when you never get credit for any progress you make, and when you make a mistake suddenly everything about you is related back to your failures. It’s even worse when your failures are generalized and attributed back to one thing that you rarely have control over. It hurts most when those people that are judging you are the people you gauge your progress to be the ones you deem most important to notice. It really makes you feel like the people doing the judging actually hate you instead of supporting you, and that sends you farther down the rabbit hole. When you’re already on thin ice you can’t make any mistakes. Having a predisposition about a person on edge, well, that’s setting up them up for failure. It hurts most when people aren’t surprised when you meet their negative expectations, especially when you are actually on a positive streak. People see one little hiccup, and then all that positivity gets ruined too easily. You realize your faults and realize they are your own. You’re disappointed in your faults more than anyone and take them harder than anyone, but how come it doesn’t it go both ways? Why are you the only one accountable for your mistakes?

Is that right? It’s not right.

It’s all lies. Lies from where?

Whose are those thoughts? Are they yours?

Or are they from the fog?

Is it right to blame the loss of control on you or the issues in you?

It’s the fog. Or is it you? It’s confusing and doesn’t make sense.

It’s a loss of control. Control of thoughts. Control of self. Loss of identity. It takes over. It feeds on your fears and struggles.

Is it always there?

The anxiety?

Yes.

You hate it. Because it lies. It’s not you, but it behaves for you.

It acts for you and that’s what they see.

It shows itself to people.

Why is it in everything you do? Why doesn’t it take a day off? Why does it ruin everything?

You’re boxed in. You’re chained by its reality and can only stretch your mind so far as its boundaries.

You’re haunted and halted.

You’re stuck in the same thoughts and cycles never growing and never progressing.

It’s winning.